Fats Moonshine’s Mystic Record

Part 03

Featuring a Model Horse Race, more serious gambling, Crazy Golf, a Feast, a Beast and lots of dancing…

Godsnight, Fertilityweek, Fireseason, 613 TA – early evening

Having made a bit of cash on the cards, turns out everyone fancies a go on the Model Horse Race. I’ve not ridden anything before so I was just goin’ to cheer on the others; but then Pompus the Purple, what’s the wizard who runs the race, says the not-so-good riders get a bit of help and it’s free! OK, I’ll give it a go – might be a laugh?

Turns out, Pompus is just the front-man, the person what actually runs the race is an old biddy called Gran National. She gives us all the once over – she takes one look at me and I know she knows I know nothin’ bout ridin’.

So we all get sat on saddles mounted on sticks and get given special goggles. Gran tells us to sacrifice a bit of Power to them and suddenly it’s like we’re ridin’ the model horses round a proper race track. Of course it’s all an illusion, like it says in the Ravings, “Come on, catch a ride, and we take it to places that we only dream” (Book of the Raver, Stars in the Sky, vss 20-21).

Ace is in the inside lane, then it’s Quacky, Sir Les, a Phoenician gent called Sir Raimondo Falco, then it’s me in lane five and Lord Monty’s in the outside lane. It all gets a bit tense and me horse seems to quiver…

…then a flag waves and we’re off!

I get off to a crackin’ start, vaultin’ the first hedge – I even pass Lord Monty, who’s no slouch in the saddle, bein’ a nob and all. Course, I know I’m bein’ helped by the illusion, but I’m dead chuffed all the same. I looks back and see the others all strung out behind us.

I shift in a lane, just ahead of Sir Raimondo, and Lord Monty draws level on the outside. I swerve in another lane (‘cos the inside track’s shorter, right?) and still manage to stay level with Lord Monty. Sir Raimondo is just behind me on me right flank and Sir Les just behind him on me left. I can’t see Jimmy or Quacky.

So far I’ve been goin’ great guns, leadin’ the pack, even, but then me horse just stalls. Sir Raimondo and Sir Les are just behind me, to either side, but Lord Monty eases ahead and swerves in a lane. Then Sir Raimondo draws level with me but Sir Les storms ahead on the inside lane.

I’m still stuck – what’s gone wrong? Sir Raimondo eases ahead and then I move forward again, just behind Lord Monty, but Sir Les jumps the next hedge and gallops off – I don’t see him again. Lord Monty opens his lead, followed by Sir Raimondo.

I get a real problem tryin’ to get my horse over the second hedge. Lord Monty and Sir Raimondo jump it easily and they’re gone. While I’m tryin’ to get my horse to jump, Jimmy closes up behind. Luckily he’s havin’ the same trouble with his horse. Then I see Quacky make it round the bend. Jimmy gets right up close but then I gets my horse to jump the second hedge and I open up a gap again.

But suddenly, it’s all over. Turns out it was a real close finish ‘cos Lord Monty almost caught Sir Les, what won the race. Sir Raimondo was lengths behind them and the rest of us were miles behind. We all get a green apple each and I munch mine as we see Sir Les get a small silver trophy and a Fruit Machine token, like I got for winnin’ the wrestlin’. Lord Monty gets a gold shield as runner up – I’d be dead pleased to come second (I’m pretty pleased I came fourth) but Lord Monty looks like he’s chewin’ lemons.

It’s only half-past-nine, so it’s back to the card tables in the casino to play poker. Quacky and Indi have a go on the low stakes table but drop out after a couple of hands ‘cos they reckon they’re just outclassed. Then Jimmy and me go for the middle table. We both lose 9 shillins on the first hand and I’m wondrin’ if we shouldn’t have gone for the Duck’s table. But then I win 120 shillins on the second hand before we both lose another 18 on the last hand.

I’m dead chuffed I won one hand ‘cos I thought the opposition was pretty steep, especially Fearsome Sharpspear, who won the other two hands. Jimmy’s a bit down in the dumps ‘cos he lost all three.

Sir Les and Lord Monty go for the high stakes table but Queenie Jackpot fleeces everyone. Sir Les and Lord Monty decide to try the roulette even though it’s not really a Nemesis sort of gamblin’, like, and Jimmy and Indi have a go, too. Indi wins 30 shillins and Lord Monty wins 320! He’s so lucky! But then he has another go and loses 100 shillins – “Win some, lose some”, he says.

Next we all move over to the dice tables. Truth is dice ain’t really my thing but I’m goin’ to give it a go. The Ducks go for the low table again but drop out after just one hand. Then me and Jimmy go for the middle table and this time the two of us mop up the rest; I win 42 shillins on the first hand and 108 shillins on the second, then Jimmy scores 150 shillins on the third hand. We’re both grinnin’ at each other. Brill!

So, I’ve made 270 shillins on the poker and dice and paid out 69 shillins, so I’m up 21 Moons and a shillin’ – minted!

Someone says we should have a go on the Monster Shy – turns out the punters have to knock down heads of different monsters – dozens of different ones, goin’ from a tiny pixie head all the way up to zombie Great Troll – but instead of rocks or something they gotta use thrown coins. You get three coins for a Moon! That’s a bit much for me, like – I’ve been shown the basics but a Moon’s too much ‘cos I ain’t goin’ to hit anythin’ worth havin’.

But that don’t bother the others. Indi has the first go (he don’t know how to throw a coin proper so he flings it overhand). He hits a Troll head but his coin just pings off. So next he goes for a Trollkin head, knockin’ it off first time. He flings his last coin at another, dead small, Trollkin head and misses but he still wins a bottle of Solas wine for the one he did get. Nice one Indi!

Then Jimmy goes for the small Trollkin head, knocks it right off and wins a Healing potion. Then it’s Sir Les’ turn; he knocks off the pixie head, what’s really tiny, but when he hits the pygmy head it just wobbles. But then he’s given a special silver shillin that’s dead sharp, and he gets a Fruit Machine token! So he’s made up!

So Lord Monty goes for that pygmy head and knocks it off, easy. He gets a beautiful bronze dagger what the shy owner (her name’s Ava Flutter) says is dead tough, great for parryin’. Course, Lord Monty is a great hero and he’s already got a special iron dagger but I reckon he could flog the bronze one for a good bit of cash.

Right, well we’ve all worked up a thirst so we troop into the bar. Half-an-hour later, one of the barmen shouts out that it’s time for the feast in the Master’s Chamber. I neck me drink and we go through to find loads of tables, all with name cards, like dead posh. Turns out our table’s in the far right corner. Soon as we’re sat down, a waiter asks what we’re drinkin’ – I ask for beer, ‘cos I ain’t quite drunk enough to go for the pink champers yet. They’ve even got cards with all the nosh listed so we can choose – the Ducks even got one in Duckish (they go right through and say it’s good there’s no duck on the menu). I go for the cheese tart for starters but I can’t make me mind up tween two of the main courses so ask the waiter, Roger Heartily, if I can have both. He don’t even blink and says, “Yes sir! We try to cater for all tastes.” He says they’ll pile the plate right up – Wow! I like it here.

We get chattin’ to other people on our table and some next to ours. Sir Les gets a drinkin’ contest but I don’t see how that goes ‘cos someone else asks me to tell them a story… I mean, what? So I try to tell them somethin’ from the Ravings but I’m not really any good and I’ve gotta keep eatin’ ‘cos it’d be rude not to clear me plate, right?

Lady Toffingham asks Lord Monty to price her bracelet but he says he don’t know, though it looks nice. But then Quacky says he’s heard that knowin’ the Ravings is real good for playin’ the Crazy Golf, what’s on tomorrer – I’m a werepig, we know the Ravings, looks like I’m playin’ golf tomorrer.

Jimmy seems to hit it off with a waitress, Pussy Getslade. They’re kind of winkin’ and noddin’ at each other. Then she says somethin’ bout showin’ him her ‘emergency supplies’ and off they go. Quacky follers them out ‘cos he’s worried Jimmy might get done in, but comes back, sayin’ he don’t think no-one’s throat’s gettin’ cut. Jimmy and Pussy both come back smilin’.

Some people look up and say, ‘Did you hear that?’ I didn’t hear nothin’ so I keep eatin’. Then there’s a ruckus out in the courtyard…

…suddenly this horrible, demony thing is at the far door! Someone yells somethin’ bout a ‘beast’ and a load of people jump the thing, what looks like a cross between a bear and an owl – it’s got a wolf’s tail and it’s all shimmery – some sort of Moon demon?

Randy, what’s servin’ us our puds, turns white and gabs somethin’ bout this happenin’ before. Quacky asks to borrow me discus but he’s forgotten we had to hand all that stuff in at reception.

Sir Les stares hard at the thing – I don’t know what that does but he says he hurt it. Me and Jimmy both cast Demoralise at it. We both feel our spells go home but the demon don’t seem to notice. We look at each other and Jimmy says he’s seen people stab it lots but it don’t seem hurt. Then I see it slash someone in the guts who falls over! It grabs him and backs out the door! I hear people screamin’, “Poor Enrique!”

It ain’t right that this demony thing can get away with grabbin’ some poor sod – and it’s messin’ up our meal, too! There’s a big crush by that door where the demon was but Jimmy and Sir Les head off to the nearest bar door. I follow them, strippin’ off me shirt ‘cos I think it’s time this demon met an angry hog. Indi comes with us, mutterin’ somethin’ bout a runespell.

But by the time we get to the courtyard, through the bar, the demon’s flyin’ off, carryin’ Enrique! I shout we gotta follow it and someone asks, dead sarcastic like, “Oh, can you fly?” I say ‘yes’ and I can carry someone small, (eyein’ the Ducks). But then everyone starts tellin’ me it’d be suicidal – I can’t persuade anyone to ride me.

What can I do? Everyone is dead upset for five minutes and then they all just shrug and go back to the feast. I don’t agree with all this but it’s a shame to let good food go to waste so I tucks me shirt in and goes back to me pud.

So we tuck in and get talkin’ to people again: Jimmy gambles dice with a geezer called Hector Heckridge and is dead chuffed to win 50 shillins. Someone asks Monty if he can play music and he says ‘no’! Indi’s given something tasty, “Try some of this…” and I get into a drinkin’ competition, what’s no contest, frankly.

Sir Spencer asks Sir Les if he’s ever thought of packin’ in gamblin’ and bein’ a charioteer. Sir Les is dead affable and tells him gamblin’ is what he does and even if he drove a chariot he’d still gamble and they natters away dead friendly, like.

Sir Les and Lord Monty get a waiter to tell them bout the ‘Beast’ – turns out it comes a lot, days or weeks tween each visit. It must be Moony and it’s probably Chaotic.

I hear Lord Monty ask one of Tiffany’s pretty, pretty boys what happens on Freezenight, and he comes back, What’s Freezenight?” It’s like he don’t know it’s a day of the week. Lord Monty says it’s the night with no Moon but the guy doesn’t know what he’s on about.

I reckon this place, Serai Loficarnia, can’t exist without the Moon – it’s like the White Tower of the Moon in Moonguard, where the Duke lives, what vanishes on Freezeday.

I hear music out in the courtyard – it’s real good music what’s drawin’ me away from the cheeseboard but I’ve had a fair bit to eat and I feels like dancin’ – I’ve had lessons and I want to join Terpsichore some day. So I go out and I throw myself into it – can’t say I’m any good but I don’t care! And I don’t think anyone else care’s either.

I don’t know how long we’re at it but, just when I think I might have had enough, the music stops being good and becomes awesome! I can’t help goin’ at it some more and this time I’m gettin’ it right – it’s like I can feel the beat with me feet, like! This is really revellin’!

Then four really gorgeous girls in white frocks join in – I see one of them dancin’ with Indi; he’s bout knee height to her and I reckon he’s tryin’ not to look up her skirt.

I take a breather and ask Randy Beaver to get the bottle of Revelation wine from me bedside table ‘cos I reckon it’s perfect for this. Next thing I know the girls in white have gone. Somethin’s foggin’ me mind and we all think we’ve forgotten somethin’ – except for Indi and Jimmy, who think they can remember new stuff!

Then Randy gets back and Indi and Jimmy share the Revelation wine with me. I do some more dancin’ and I think I remember what I forgot, but then it all goes hazy and I don’t remember anythin’ after that.

Waterday, Stasisweek, Fireseason, 613 TA – noon

I wake up on me bed bout noon. I was expectin’ a hangover – I don’t often get them but I have to admit I probably over did it last night – but actually I feels good, really well rested!

Over breakfast, Quacky says we all slept right through Freezeday – everyone did, except for him. He says he got up and walked around but there was no one about and all the doors was locked, even the main gate.

Over breakfast, Indi sings us the Serai Loficarnia song. I’ve heard it before but I’m sure the words was different…

On a dark desert trackway, cool wind in my hair;
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air.
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light.
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim;
I had to stop for the night.

There she stood in the doorway; true beauty and belle
And I was thinking to myself, “This could be Heaven or this could be Hell”.
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way.
There were voices down the corridor, I thought I heard them say...

“Welcome to the Serai Loficarnia!
Such a lovely place. (Such a lovely place.) Such a lovely face.
Plenty of room at the Serai Loficarnia:
Any time of year. (Any time of year.) Place your bets right here!”

Her mind is Selene-blessèd, on which she depends;
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends.
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget.

So I called up the Captain, “Please bring me my wine.”
He said, “We haven't had that spirit here since five ninety-nine.”
And still those voices are calling from far, far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night, just to hear them say...

“Welcome to the Serai Loficarnia
Such a lovely place. (Such a lovely place.) Such a lovely face.
They livin' it up at the Serai Loficarnia
What a nice surprise? (What a nice surprise?) Bring your alibis!”

Mirrors on the ceiling; the pink champagne on ice;
And she said, “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device.”
And in the master's chambers, they gather for the feast.
They stab it with their sharpened knives, but they just can't kill the beast.

Last thing I remember, I was running for the door
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before.
“Slow down!” said the night man, “We inform to deceive.
You can check-out any time you like, but you can never leave!”

Well I can see in that a lot of what’s happened in the last few days but I don’t much like the sound of that last verse, what’s the only one what’s not happened yet. But we get talkin’ and most of us reckon it’s the Crazy Golf next…

Turns out it’s run by Alan Shephard, who looks like a Selenite minister (and I reckon he probably is, too). It’s a Moon to have a go but the three lowest scores all win prizes. (That sounds a bit weird to me until someone explains the winner is the one to go round with the least number of swings at the ball.)

Jimmy, Lord Monty, Quacky and me go for it and we each pay our Moon. There’s six others goin’ round with us: Robbie Ruddyduck, Moonlady Martina, Mercury Macau, Nathan Greenhill, Ace Pantera and Sir Spencer Toffingham.

I don’t think any of us have played Crazy Golf before, or even sane golf, but basically we’ve got nine courses. We start at one end of each course and have to hit these tiny balls with big sticks with knobs on the end. The fewest number of swings is the winner over all the courses.

Well the first course Alan says can be done with two swings: I take three, Quacky and Jimmy get it in two but Lord Monty gets the hole with one swing! Cor! Alan says that’s called a hole in one. One of the others does the same but most take three, like me. Looks like I’m at the back but at least I’m not alone.

Second hole, what Alan says should take four swings. I do all right and take just them four, but everyone else does worse: Jimmy takes five, Lord Monty six and Quacky takes eleven! Suddenly, me, Jimmy and Lord Monty is level on seven, everyone else is behind us and Quacky is right at the back.

Third hole, not so bad, should take three swings: Jimmy takes four, Lord Monty gets back to form and does it in two; Quacky does it in three but I get a hole in one! All the others also get three. I’m in the lead!

Fourth hole – and Alan says this is the hardest, a five swinger. None of us get it in five, Lord Monty and one of the others gets six, I get seven and Jimmy gets seven. Poor Quacky takes ten but he’s not the worst ‘cos someone takes eleven!

Fifth hole, a two swing job: Monty and Quacky get it in two; Jimmy takes four but I get another hole in one!

Sixth hole, a 3 swinger: me and Quacky get three, Monty gets five and Jimmy takes six.

Seventh hole, a bit harder, needin’ 4 swings: poor Jimmy takes eight, Lord Monty six and Quacky four (what Alan calls ‘par’). I manage to get it in three but I nearly dropped me stick near the end.

Eighth hole, another two swinger: Quacky takes five and it takes me three but Jimmy and Lord Monty both get holes in one! Pretty impressive!

Last hole, needin’ three swings: Jimmy gets it in three but Quacky takes six. Lord Monty does well, takin’ two but I drop another one, takin’ four.

So Alan totals up all the scores. I reckon I was winnin’ easy after me second hole in one but after that I was a bit average – at least I didn’t have any disasters. But then Alan says Lord Monty and Martina both came second on 31 and then he says I won with 29! Wow! I’m dead pleased!

Lord Monty and Martina both get gold plates but I get a little silver cup what Alan says is worth fifty shillins. And then he gives me another two tokens for the Fruit Machine!

Turns out I’m only allowed three goes on the Fruit Machine anyway, so I reckon I might as well do it now and the others all come over to see how it goes. Basically, I put in a token, pull the lever at the side, then three wheels spin and come up with a card. My first spin I get five, ten and ace, what’s worth nothin’. I’m told I could hold one but I can’t see the point.

My second spin brings up what looks like another load of trash but then I’m told I’ve got nudges – I nudge one wheel up and another down and suddenly I’ve got two kings! I win a funny lookin’ coin with an eight-sided shape on it what I can show in the shop and get what I’ve won, like.

So now I think I’m gettin’ the feel of this and I see why havin’ more than one go is good – and why they won’t give any punter more than three. My third spin gets what looks like a load of rubbish but I’ve got two nudges that gets me 2 jokers (I’d have had three jokers with a third nudge) but I wins another coin, this time with a joker’s hat on it.

So that’s me lot on the Fruit Machine, and I think I’ve done alright. So I go to the shop and ask for me winnins. They take the kings coin and give me a crystal. I ask what sort of crystal it is and the flunky just shrugs – turns out it’s a Power crystal, dead useful!

But then I hands over the joker token and this time I get a funny feelin’ in my head and suddenly I knows I’ve got a runespell – Nemesis has only gone and given me his biggest spell, Luck Streak! Cor! And I’ve got forty-six Moons in cash as well! This is great!

I go back outside to show everyone else me winnins and tell them they gotta try the Fruit Machine. But then I feels a tug on my sleeve and find Lady Cynthia Applegate at me elbow, lookin’ kind of teary. She says her daughter, Lady Luna, what we played cards and dice with before, has run off into the desert. She doesn’t say why, but she’s really worried and asks if we could go look for her.

Well I looks at the others and I don’t see how we can say no – like Quacky says, we can’t refuse a quest, right?