The Diary of Raoul Grincheux

Part 36

In which our heroes journey to Hrum to secure reputed treasure.

Freezeday, Disorderweek, Seaseason, 613

So I’z back in Puttock workin’ for Lady Samal on her state. Whiles I’z bin body-bildin in the Mischief the toffs ‘av bin doin’ RnR, recuvrin from freein’ Perlov an’ Ska from their prisnmint. (Akterly I ain’t shaw we shood be talkin’ bout that so much ‘cos I reckon Ska woz a Thani an’ I dunt fink most peepl wood be keen to ‘ear we let a Thani free but the toffs reckon it woz the rite fing to do an they’z got eddiecayshun so I’m shaw they’z rite.)

Lady Samal an’ Sieur Alphonse ‘az bin goin’ frew the lyebry an’ wun mornin’ a coupla weeks ago ova brekfust she sez she’z found a book wot lists all the local toffs bout sixty-odd years ago. Turns out a rellie of Sieur Alphonse came up from Heliopolis and married local. This Sieur Brantifax de Flambé woz blind but it dint stop him from gaddin’ bout an’ he came to Sophia to study. (Woz he a Demosthenes sage, like Lady Samal?) Despite bein’ blind he did alrite an’ married a local girl wot woz an ‘airess so Sieur Brantifax became Lord Hrum.

The state woz a bit sowf of Puttock, an’ it sold stuff frew a villaj called Wytchway, wot woz near a Beaver villaj called Iskar. The book sez Sieur Brantifax ‘ad two dorters but it dunt giv they’z names. Funny fing iz, when they tries to look ‘em up Sieur Alphonse can’t find eny ov hiz toff mates wot knows of Hrum an’ Lady Samal can’t find it on eny maps.

Lady Samal reckons Sieur Alphonse mite be able to claim the state if it’z still wurf enyfing but they can’t find much else bout it.

But then a funny fing ‘appens New Years’s Day, wots a big ‘oly day for Helios, when a chaplin (that’s wot they calls they’z priests in Helios) ‘az a bit of a funny turn an’ gets a vision. When he cums too he’z spoutin’ poetry – but I fink the Lucies say he’z gonna be alrite in a bit.

Accordin’ to Sieur Alphonse, the pome goes…

Be ye brave and fortune seek,

Then come hear what I say

To find that which is lost.

First you must discover which way

From whence to follow the trail.

When at the Hand turn to the Horn,

Pass widdershins round Three Tree Hill,

And in darkness be over water borne.

To the Ruins by Sun’s Fury Scoured,

On the Shadowed Moors,

Past the Gates at Dusk,

The Treasures of Hrum are yours.

Sieur Alphonse reckons the pome iz sayin’ he shood go lookin’ for this trezhur an’ all the toffs fink this iz a good fing.

Sieur Thomas reckons he knows where Iskar iz an’ then Lady Samal findz an’ old map but Sieur Thomas notices sumwun’s sketched an ‘and not far from Puttock on the way to Iskar an’ he reckons this iz the same ‘and wot’s in the pome.

Lookin’ at the map the toffs reckon it’ll take 4-5 days to reach the ‘and. George iz off doin’ pleecin’ in the city but Spathi pays a visit so he’ll cum wiv us. The toffs iz all in chariots or ridin’ ‘orses, ov corss, but me an’ Blen will be on the wagon, wot Sieur Alphonse finks we’ll need to cart back all the trezhur.

Waterday, Disorderweek, Seaseason, 613

So after brekfust we leavs Puttock, heddin’ sowf. There’z a lite frost an’ it’z a bit misty. Later on we gets a few showers – I’z glad I got me cote ov quilts on. I’z drivin’ but I dunt do a good job of ov it. Lucky for me the toffs aint drivin’ or ridin’ well nyever so it ain’t like I’z holdin’ us up. That nite we stops at a farmhouse – not a proper inn but they givs the ladies a guest room an’ the toffs get the innkeeper’s own room. I sleeps in the barn but I’z ‘appy there an’ it’z warm ova the ‘orses.

Clayday, Disorderweek, Seaseason, 613

Brekfust iz porrij – good enuff. Sieur Alphonse settls up wiv the landlord an’ last nite sets ‘im back 5 shillins, wot’z ded cheap next to a proper inn.

We gets goin’ an’ I reckon I’z got me eye in wiv this drivin’-lark, an’ the toffs duz better too so we all make pretty good time, but for Spathi, wot’s makin’ evvy wevver an’ falls behind, but Lady Samal cheers him up.

That nite we gets to the Iskar turnoff. The toffs iz chattin’ bout where to put the tents when we spots lites a coupla ‘undred yards up the Iskar road. I reckon it’z a caravan, like wot them Gyppoes drive, an’ we can all ‘ear a fiddl playin – Sieur Alphonse sez he can ‘ear pigs!

So the toffs reckon we shood check ‘em out so we all mosy up the Iskar road. We find the caravan, wots all painted wiv stars, in a clearin’ by the road. An’ there’z all these pigs rootin’ round these funny lumps in the ground wot ‘av these big shrooms growin’ out ov ‘em – sum ov ‘em’s 3-4 feet high! (The shrooms, I mean, not the pigs.) There’z bout two duzzin ov these lumps wot remind me ov sumfink but I can’t fink wot.

There’z a lad lookin’ after the carthorse, wot looks in pretty good shape so he must be lookin’ after it rite. Az we pulls up the lad bangs on the side of the caravan.

Lookin’ bout, Stella gets the idea the lumps iz ‘ouses wot got trashed long ago an’ grown ova. The toffs reckon this woz a villaj wot got trashed by Trolls wot planted the shrooms so the serfs coodn cum back. Now that’s not nice – looks like not all Trolls iz as nice as Gertrude an’ Ivan.

Then I sees wot they’z remind me ov – it’z them overgrown rooins we passed on our way to that templ in Yrum last Fireseason. Dunt reckon theze iz so old, tho, an’ the Yrum rooins dint ‘av shrooms growin’ outa them.

So the toffs iz chattin’ bout ‘ow they dunt feel like campin’ wiv sum sort of Loony inna villaj trashed by Trolls. But then the caravan lurches an’ this big ol’ bloke cums out. He’z dressd like a toff in reel posh cloves but he’s not bin lookin’ after hizzelf ‘cos I can see he’z spilt food on hizzelf an’ he’s not bovvered to get washed. Big bloke, old… an’ reel fat, know what I mean? An’ I gets a feelin’ he’za bit like me, a weer-fingy, but I dunt know wot wun, defnitly not a rat.

So Mr Big sez sumfink wot sounds Loony to me an’ the lad sez “woof, woof, woof” – no really, that’s wot he sez! Then Spathi duz wun ovvem Humakti challinjiz but Mr Big sez in Helionic the lad’s called Rex an’ he aint shaw if he’s bin blessd (that’s wot he sez, ‘blessd’ – like it’za good fing) to fink he’z a dog or if he’s a dog wiv a Chaos feature makin’ him look hooman.

Then Mr Big sez he’s called Sieur Tobias Belcher (only he sez Sieur the Loony way, az Sur) – seems he’z a Loony toff (corss, az a Loony he cood be lyin’ but he’s got wun ovvem shields on the side ov his caravan an’ on his cloves – it’z ‘ard to see in the dusk but I can see a pig wiv wings on it).

Sieur Tobias sez no to Spathi’s challinj ‘cos he woz pretty good wiv his sword wunce but not so much now he’z old. Stella asks why he’s ‘ere an’ he sez the stars, wot sounds weerd to me ‘cos the stars iz evrywear all nite, but he’z a Loony so he’z probly bein’ ecnomic wvva troof, know what I mean? He’z ‘appy to ‘av us stop the nite ‘ere an’ tells Rex to fetch sum chairs wot he’z got stord folded up inna rack under hiz caravan.

He points at the pigs an’ sez they’z ‘almost family’ wot I fink he means azza sort ov joke ‘cos Sieur Tobias izza priest of Algie, the Flying Pig, wot I’z ‘eard ov ‘cos they’z were-pigs, like we’z all were-rats in King Rat. He sez he got nited for valour inna Troll wars.

Sumwun asks if he knows where Wytchway iz an’ he sez “You’z standin’ innit!” Turns out it woz trashed by Trolls, like Stella fort. Bout now the toffs reckon we can stay ‘ere after all so we sits inna chairs.

Sieur Tobias iz out ‘ere to look at the stars away from the lites ov the city – turns out he’z also a nishiate ov Urania, wot’s a Gowrie Muse like Euterpe, only she’s into tellin’ fortunes from the stars. He points out words on the side ov his caravan an’ I finds I can make out they sez ‘Tobias, your guide to the stars’ in Lunatic – Cor! All this readin’ the toffs ‘az bin doin’ inna lyebree must be rubbin’ off. I wunder if Lady Samal wood let me borrow a book?

He’z just cum back from Iskar where he stopped to buy ‘sertin barks’ to make into tea. He sez he’z a ‘renaysints man’ – I dunno wot that iz but he can reely cook ‘cos he rustles up a pot ov sumfink reel tasty wiv rice an’ he’z splashin’ the plonk like a reel toff. While we’z eatin’ Rex puts up wun ov them big tents sum toffs ‘av an’ Sieur Tobias sez we can sleep in it if we wonts.

While we’z eatin’ Sieur Tobias asks wot we’z doin’ an’ the toffs say ‘seekin’ trezhur’ wot makes Sieur Tobias talk bout hiz venturin’ days. Then after the grub, wot’s reel nice, we all azza sing-song an’ Eliza shows me up again ‘cos I ain’t good wiv me new lute yet.

Stella tells the story ov ‘ow we came north an’ makes it sound even better than it woz. Sieur Tobias iz speshully keen on our fite wiv the Trolls an’ sez “Trolls iz bad!” But I speaks up an sez they ain’t all bad an’ that Gertrude even gave Lady Samal a carpet for her wall.

Wun fing I sees iz that Sieur Tobias gets a bit shifty when we get to the Mount Offrys Priory an’ I reckon Stella skips ova that bit pretty kwik.

Then Sieur Tobias gets to ramblin’ bout Star Lore, Ravings an’ Loony Filosfee, wot’s all Loony stuff an’ goes rite over me hed. I reckon it dunt mean much to the toffs, eyver, ‘cos Stella asks if he knows bout the ‘And in the pome an’ onna map. Sieur Tobias sez it’s up the road, mebbe two hours. He sez it’s a natrul lump ov rock wot looks like an’ ‘and but it’z bin trashed by the wevver an’ Trolls so now it’s kinda makin’ a rood jesture. He dunt know ov any ‘horn’ or the uvver fings in the pome.

So it’z time to turn in an’ Sieur Tobias sez he’ll take the last watch so he can cook brekfust. I’z on the third watch, an’ when I gets woke by Eliza she sez they’z seen sumfink burnin’ a long way off. Me an’ Stella see it too, but it looks like it’z dyin’ back to me. Bit ov an odd time for a forest fire, I reckon, speshully since the wevver’s bin a bit wet last coupla days. (Well it’z Seaseason, innit?) It’z a long way off so I dunt reckon it shood worry us but I point it out to Sieur Alphonse when I wakes him for the last watch.

Windsday, Disorderweek, Seaseason, 613

Ova brekfust, wot Sieur Tobias cooks ded nice, Sieur Alphonse sez he reckons he knows where the fire woz an’ Sieur Tobias asks if we’d like him to fly over for a looksee. I fink he wonts to show off a bit ‘cos last nite I reckon sum ov the toffs dint bleeve him when he sed he cood fly.

So Sieur Tobias goes round the back ov hiz caravan, there’z a few stretchin’ an’ crunchin’ sounds an’ then this big pig cums out. I’z used to lookin’ at changed Rats an’ I can see rite away the pig iz Sieur Tobias. Then Rex ties on an’ ‘elmet an’ scarf, then the pig sprouts these wings an’ starts runnin’ round the clearin’, getting’ faster an’ faster, before it hits the road an’ takes off.

Sieur Tobias flies round the camp a coupla times before flyin’ off toward where we saw the fires. Spathi seems reel keen on all this an’ takes a kwik sketch of the flyin’ pig before it flies off.

But then we ‘ears this loud crash an’ a short time later Sieur Tobias limps outa the woods – he’z wearin’ cloves so I reckon he changed wiv a roonspell. Turns out he’z outa practice wiv the flyin’. While Sieur Thomas heals hiz leg, Sieur Tobias sez he saw a pillar up near the ‘And that sorta looks like a horn. He reckons there’z an old road frew the trees wot mite be hidden from this road an’ bout 5-6 hours long that road iz a bit ov burned ground, still smoldrin. I’z finkin’ ‘scoured by the Sun’s fury’ mebbe?

Sounds like the toffs reely like Sieur Tobias ‘cos they asks him if he wonts to cum wiv us but he sez he’z gonna wait ‘ere a few days an’ mebbe well see him on the way back.

Before we leaves, the toffs reckon Sieur Tobias’s ‘orse iz reel nice – mebbe too nice? Sumwun wunders if he’z made it look better wivva Luzion. He wishes us luck an’ Lady Samal sez he’ll be welcome in Puttock.

So we heds up the road, makin’ good time an’ reachin’ this big stone ‘And wot’s givin’ us the finger for the last mile. Now we knows wot to look for we eesly spots the ‘Horn’ frew the trees to the left, a few ‘undred yards away. Sieur Thomas reckons it’s on the uvver side an’ up into the hills but we’z got kinda used to him gettin’ fings like this wrong – I fink mebbe he puts hiz ‘elmet on back to front.

Like Sieur Tobias sed, there’z an overgrown road but it dunt take us long to clear it out – even the toffs wade in ‘cos they’z excited bout the trezhur an’ soon we can see a gate an’ on the uvver side the road iz very kleer, not lookin’ all overgrown at all, wot’z a bit ovva surprise. I gets me ratty hed on an’ azza sniff but all I smells iz dirt. Sieur Alphonse an’ Sieur Thomas can drive they’z chariots easy an’ the cart’s no prob at all for me now I got me eye in wiv this drivin’ lark.

The road’s got fences on eyver side wiv open pine woods beyond. The toffs iz lookin’ for ambushes but they reckons the best spot for an ambush was back at the ‘And but on the road we’d see eny ambushers frew the trees eazy.

We’z goin’ bout an’ hour or so, makin’ great time an’ I lets me ratty hed go. Lady Samal sez the road iz majik an’ so iz the fences. She sez it’z probly sumfink like a Fieldward spell an’ I reckon she’z rite, ‘cos I’z talked a bit wiv the villajers in Puttock ‘cos I’z gonna nishiate in to Matar wun day soon, I ‘opes. Mebbe sum wizard cooked up sumfink like Fieldward crossed wiv Pathwatch?

Then we gets to a big hill wiv three huge oaks on top wot must be Three Tree Hill an’ the road curves round the rite side (that’s ‘widdershins’ in pezzant or counta-clock-wize to the toffs), all ded like the Pome. On the far side we stops for lunch by a gate rite cross the road. Then we opens the gate an’ keeps goin’.

I’z finkin’ the pome wood ‘av us crossin’ sum river after dark but akterly we gets to a river bout an hour or so later. Turns out the ‘darkness’ iz a big cuvvered bridge wiv gates at eyver end. The bridge iz stone but the roof iz wood an’ there’z big wooden beams holdin’ up the middle arch wot’s fifteen foot over the water.

Sieur Thomas gets off hiz chariot an’ leads it over the bridge, then Sieur Alphonse drives ova but hiz ‘orse nearly gets spooked so then I duz like Sieur Thomas an’ leads the carthorse meself. It feels a lot colder than it shood, I reckon, an’ inna middl I ‘ears sumwun cryin’. Turns out Sieur Alphonse an’ Sieur Thomas also ‘eard the cryin’ an’ sum ov the uvvers duz too. (But not Lady Samal or Eliza – mebbe it only cries to blokes?)

The toffs reckon it woz a man cryin’ an’ Lady Samal sez she cood detect a spirit under the bridge. I’z ‘eard sumtimez they sacrifices peepl so they’z ghosts look after the bridge an’ wiv all the demony stuff wot woz goin’ on round Sophia a fowzand years ago mebbe that’s wot ‘appened ‘ere?

Sieur Alphonse an’ Sieur Thomas take this pretty serious-like ‘cos they bofe scrambles down for a looksee. They finds a tiny room under the bridge an’ when Sieur Thomas casts Light they sees a skelton – not movin’, just ded bones. Then they backs off ‘cos they sees a ghost appear an’ Sieur Thomas reckons it’z got no eyes! Merde!

Sum ov us try Spiritspeech but nun ov us iz much good wiv that yet. Sieur Alphonse reckons the ghost woz a Rhadi when he woz alive, like. When I sees it I fink I sees wot he means an’ I reckon he woz no sacrifice, he crawled up in their by hizzelf an’ died – suicide even? Sieur Alphonse sez we gotta bury him (an’ he’z ded rite bout that – can’t leave a ghost just cryin’) but that’s sumfink for when we’z on the way back.

This side ov the river the road is ruffer an’ there’z no fences – also it feels kinda shadowy. A coupla hours later, less than an hour before dusk, sudden-like the pines iz gon on the left an’ instead we’z got a big hedj. It’z ded fick an’ the leaves iz very dark, almost black. It sorta curves in from the left an when it gets nearest the road we sees two stone pillars in the hedj stickin’ up, but kinda broke. Looks almost like there woz a gate ‘ere wunce wot the hedj ‘az grown over. Sumwhere close by I smells burnin’ – an’ I ain’t gon ratty yet!

So I shimmies up an’ ‘andy tree for a looksee ova the hedj an’ wot I sees iz that the hedj circles a round burned bit ov ground mebbe 160 yards cross. An’ I sees there’z an ‘ouse off to the rite, just outside the hedj wot looks like the road curves round to. Reckon this must be Hrum House ‘cos it looks like it woz posh wunce. I gets me ratty hed back but I dunt smell nuffink else.

Just before I climbs down I spots a black bird, crow or raven mebbe. It woz on top ov the roof but it starts flyin’ round the burned patch.

So I drops down an’ tells the toffs wot I’z seen an’ we all goes up the road wot curvs round to the left until we gets to the ‘ouse, wot’z got three floors joinin’ a tower wot sticks up a bit more. There’z also sum uvver bildins made ov wood – the toffs call the biggest a carrij-ouse wot woz where they’z put theirz chariots when they’z not usin’ them.

So the road goes frew an arch into a cortyard an’ az we goes in the far side of the cort iz the hedj. We can see the top ov the tower iz missin’ but the rest ov the ‘ouse looks in good nick – I reckon it won’t cost much for Sieur Alphonse to do the place up if he wonts to keep it. Very high up we sees two ov them crows but they’z just dots – I fink they’z flyin’ higher ‘cos we’z frited them, mebbe? It’s ‘ard to see ‘em ‘cos it’z gettin’ dark.

So the toffs look at the door an’ rite away Sieur Alphonse spots the shield over the top iz in two ‘alves an’ the bit on the left looks just like the piktur on hiz shield, so it’z defnit this iz Hrum.

(I gotta say the name givs me a bit ovva turn ‘cos it sounds a lot like Yrum, know what I mean? I wunders if ‘rum’ mite mean ‘weerd shit’ in that old lingo – mebbe that’s wot peepl means when they sez sumfink feels a bit rum…)

We spots footprints by the door – bare feet – but we dun’t find eny leadin’ to ‘em, like they just peer here from nowhere! Sumwhere I smells unwashed peepl, reckon they’z in that tower, but nowun answers when Sieur Alphonse bangs on the door. I’z keepin’ me ratty hed on an’ finkin’ bout Shimmer.

So we goes in…