Fats Moonshine’s Mystic Record

Part 04

In which our heroes rescue Luna Applegate from tumbleweeds…

Waterday, Stasisweek, Fireseason, 613 TA – mid-afternoon

So we go lookin’ for Luna. ‘Cos we’re leavin’ Serai Loficarnia, we can grab our stuff what we left in reception so I get me discus and helmet back.

Once through the gates, it’s real hot – too hot for any heavy armour. Of course, I ain’t got no heavy armour but the others march in their leathers, like me.

It ain’t at all windy and it’s easy followin’ Luna’s tracks but, just in case, I go pig so I can sniff for her – she’s wearin’ leather boots, getting’ dead sweaty in the Sun and she’s wearin’ smellies from her suite so she’s dead easy to follow. She was runnin’ when she left Serai Loficarnia but after a bit she slowed down and her trail starts weavin’ a bit.

We’ve been goin’ for an hour, maybe, when suddenly the sand next to me flips up and this giant scorpion jumps me from a hole in the sand. Well this pig ain’t standin’ for none of that and I goes for it, seein’ red, like. I get me tusks in his guts and then it just falls on me, dead. I’m thinkin’ it went down a bit easy but, as I get me gander back, I see Quacky gettin’ his discus – turns out he threw it so we killed it together. I try to thank him but I don’t know if he gets what my gruntin’ means – it’s not like he speaks pig, right?

So we gets back to trackin’ the girl. Bout an hour later, we sees her tracks have stopped weavin’ and are makin’ for some rocks off to one side. Then Sir Les points out her tracks show she’s runnin’ again (I didn’t get this ‘cos I’m usin’ me nose, of course).

Then he spots more tracks a bit further away but anglin’ in to hers. We’ve seen tracks like them before, they look like tumbleweed, what’s always blowin’ cross the sands. But these tumbleweeds weren’t movin’ with the wind, ‘cos there’s hardly been any wind all day. Looks like Luna was runnin’ to get away from the tumbleweeds!

So now we’re worried for Luna and we all start runnin’ for them rocks – and this under the desert Sun, right? (Though it’s pretty low, now.) Gettin’ closer, we can see the rocks have a couple of caves and one of them caves has a load of tumbleweeds piled up outside! Each one is three or four feet across. Is Luna in that cave?

When we get to fifty yards away, the tumbleweeds starts shakin’ and rollin’ toward us. We stop runnin’ and get in a line with me, still a pig, on the left, with Jimmy, Sir Les, Lord Monty, Indi and Quacky on the far right. We all start preparin’ weapons and castin’ spells – I goes for Shimmer first, then Ironhand, what I gets off just before I go berk…

Quacky and Indi fling their discuses but I don’t know if the tumbleweed is hurt – seems like them twiggy bits is like armour – but Lord Monty flings three shillins and the tumbleweed he hits kind of shudders, so I reckon he hurt it.

Then they hit us! Most of the others get one tumbleweed each, except for Indi, who gets two, and me, who gets three! But that’s great ‘cos I ain’t afraid of no weeds. Close up I can see they’re balls of twigs but with some sort of insect thing in the middle, what’s the real critter, like. I just gets me Ironhand off when the three things all whip out these stabby little sticks and stick me in the head and rump. Well with that I just go berk and lunge for the biggest…

Of the others, of course they all miss the Ducks (Indi’s just a blur, like); Lord Monty parries his, Sir Les just gets missed and Jimmy parries and sticks his tumbleweed. Then I gets me tusks into mine and gore it proper and its twiggy stuff sort of collapses. Is it dead?

Then others get goin’: Quacky hits his but all he gets is the twiggy outer stuff; Indi kills one of his; Lord Monty and Les both hit theirs but they’re still tumblin’.

But then the tumbleweeds stick us again! Quacky’s hit in the leg and Lord Monty’s hit but the others all miss, includin’ my two.

Well me rump hurts a bit so I go for the one that did that but all I get is twigs. Quacky dodges his tumbleweed and Indi’s just unhittable. Lord Monty parries his but Sir Les gets stabbed in the guts, which has got to hurt. Both mine miss me ‘cos I’m chargin’ back and forth and all that.

I get a hoof in one of my tumbleweeds but it don’t go down. Quacky hits his. Indi’s castin’ some spell, I think, but Lord Monty kills his and Sir Les gets a hit in but his is still goin’. Jimmy misses.

Then it’s the tumbleweeds’ turn again – both Ducks is missed; Lord Monty gets hit by the one he’s just stuck as it dies and Jimmy’s hit in the leg. I get stabbed again in the head and rump – Ow! Now I’m really mad!

Lord Monty comes round the back and takes on the tumbleweed that’s been stickin’ me bum but not before I get me tusks in (and I think I got it good). The Ducks get missed again but Sir Les is stabbed in the leg. Lord Monty parries the tumbleweed I bit and maybe his stab kills it. But before I can give the other a good kickin’ Jimmy’s tumbleweed manages to stab mine and kill it!

Then the others all break and run. I get me tusks in hard on Jimmy’s but I reckon his sword kills it.

The fight’s over and suddenly me head and bum feel real sore…

And then a girl’s voice calls out from the cave, “Who is it? Are they gone?” Great! Luna’s alive and we’ve saved her.

We all get to bindin’ wounds and all that. Of course I’ve gotta stop bein’ a pig and as soon as I change back I just sits down in the sand, all starkers and that. But Lord Monty heals a couple of me wounds and the others will heal quick enough – I’ve always been a fast healer.

By now the Sun’s goin’ down and it’s gettin’ cooler so we have a picnic! Great! Luna tells us she ran off because she got a ‘panic attack’ what she reckons was a temporary blessin’ from Selene – lucky girl. When she came round she was lost in the desert and wandered for a bit until the tumbleweeds came after her, when she hid in the cave. They didn’t go in after her, maybe they was too big.

Two hours later we all gets back to Serai Loficarnia hungry, thirsty and dirty but everyone says we’ve done all right for rescuin’ Luna. Her mum is real happy to get her back but she does that mum thing, “What were you thinking of, running off like that?” Lady Cynthia says there’ll be a reward comin’ our way for savin’ Luna.

First thing we hit the bar and that iced champagne tastes real good. Then me and the Ducks head for the pool but the lifeguard, David Hasselpot, says we’ve got to shower first. So we all showers and then me and the Ducks have a dip in the pool, then we all join the others in the bar.

But after the first round, some says they want a look in the shop to see if there’s anythin’ worth buyin’. I’ve been in already, to hand in me Fruit Machine tokens, but I didn’t really take a good look at the place. Lookin’ round, it sells all sorts of stuff, includin’ a few weapons and bits of armour, all dead normal. I ask if they’ve got any bardin’ type armour, for horses (thinkin’ I could get the hems taken up for me to wear when I go pig) but they’ve got nothin’ like that.

Quacky asks the shop boy, Henry, if they also buys stuff. Henry says “Only if it’s in good condition” so they can sell it in the shop. Quacky’s got this sword what he’s pinched from someone but he can’t sell it ‘cos the owner’s got his initials on it. Indi buys a sort of sandstorm in a jar – when the sand settles it’s got a tiny model of the Serai Loficarnia inside. Lord Monty asks what’s the most expensive thing they sell? After a natter with his manager, Henry reckons they’ve got silk scarves with the Serai Loficarnia on but I don’t know if Lord Monty splashes out.

So the shop is a bit borin’ – I think bout buyin’ a rapier but I’m used to me longsword, like – so we look over what’s on this evenin’. The tombola might be fun and there’s a jestin’ contest but Lord Monty and Sir Les sets their hearts on enterin’ the Rapier Duelin’ Contest. I go along to cheer ‘cos I ain’t got a rapier and I wouldn’t be no good with it anyway. But when they says that they everyone must use their special blunted rapiers and I can use me shield to parry, I reckon I could give it a go and the Ducks is up for it so we all sign up.

There’s sixteen bouts in the first round but of course I’m cheerin’ for me mates. No one can use magic and the only hits what count must be from the rapier. And anyone who steps out the ring has lost. In the first round, it’s Jimmy who’s the first of us in the ring, gainst Hector Heckridge, but it’s over so quick I almost misses it – Jimmy prangs Hector, whose parry was miles away.

Next up is Indi but he’s facin’ Martok, the Troll, so this is a grudge match, right? Martok, even though he’s a Troll, is a Selenite, so he’s probably alright, seein’ as he’s seen the Light. I don’t reckon Indi’s much good with a rapier but the rules say he can dodge and the Troll can’t touch him. The bout lasts ages, with both glidin’ about real smooth. Then Indi gets a proper stab in but Martok parries him but then Martok ripostes and gets a touch on Indi – so Indi’s out! Shame!

There’s a couple of other bouts then it’s Lord Monty vs Jonty Ethington, what’s one of Tiffany’s pretty, pretty boys. They start off sparrin’ well and I think Jonty’s givin’ as good as he gets, but then Jonty doesn’t watch where he’s puttin’ his feet and steps out the ring, so Lord Monty wins!

Next up is Sir Les against Maximillian Highplace. They’re both dead good and it’s great to watch the two duellin’, showin’ the rest of us how it’s done. But then Sir Les gets his point in for a touch and he’s through to the next round. Great bout, though!

Alright, now it’s my turn and I’m up against one of the lifeguards, Pamaltera Anderton – big, busty girl. Well, if Sir Les and Maximillian showed us how it should be done, me and Pam shows everyone how it shouldn’t. I’m pretty good with me shield but I’ve never used a rapier before and I ain’t sure Pam has neither. We stagger about, I can’t hit her and the couple of times she nearly prangs me, my shield saves me. It goes on for ages but then Pam just steps out the ring by accident, so I’m through to the second round…

Quacky’s the last of us, up against another pretty, pretty boy, Rupert. Actually their bout is pretty good but Quacky gets the touch in first, so we’re all through to the second round, except for Indi.

Of course there’s eight bouts in the second round. Jimmy’s first up against David Hasselpot, who’s the lifeguard that gave me and the Ducks bother earlier tonight and I’m dead happy to see Jimmy see him off with the first stab, just like round one – looks like Jimmy’s a dark horse!

There’s another bout but then Lord Monty is facin’ pretty boy Tarquin, who we all reckon has got a thing for Lord Monty, but Tarquin’s hit first thrust so Lord Monty joins Jimmy in the 3^rd round.

Sir Les is up against Miles Pattingham-Smythe – Miles is a big bloke (almost as big me), which is just as well with a name like that. They do a good bit of duellin’ but, if you asks me, Sir Les was always goin’ to win and gets a touch in soon enough. Decent bout, though.

OK, it’s my turn again and I’m lookin’ at Alexander Skarsgard. He looks like he knows which end of the rapier to hold but I think he’s got too cocky ‘cos somehow my first thrust hits home and I ain’t sure he even tried to parry. Lumme, I’m in the third round and I’ve only got in one decent thrust in two bouts.

The last bout is Quacky versus Jack Deckman – it’s a good bout but after a couple of minutes Jack just manages to get a touch past Quacky’s dodge.

So we’re into the quarter-finals and the first bout is Mercury Macau against Jack Deckman. Mercury is a real good swordsman. Jack puts up a good fight but when Mercury gets a touch we all know the right man’s won.

Then it’s Jimmy versus Digby Batterby. Digby beat Martok the Troll in the second round and it’s a really good duel. They’re thrustin’ and parryin’ fit to bust. Suddenly, Jimmy’s bleedin’! But the ref says it’s ‘cos he’s cut himself. Then, when they get back to it, Jimmy finally gets a touch in and he’s through to the semis – that was a great bout, and with loads of drama! Brill!

Then we’ve got Lord Monty against Lotto Loadsadosh – Lotto can duel but he’s not a patch on Lord Monty, who wins easy.

Finally, it’s Sir Les, and he’s up against… me! Well Sir Les is one of the top duellers here so it’s no surprise when he puts me out easy. Frankly, it’s a relief ‘cos I’ve no idea how to handle a rapier and it feels like a toy after handlin’ my longsword, right? How I got to the quarter-finals I’ve no idea – just lucky, I guess.

Right, we’re down to the last four in the semis and Jimmy has to face up to Lord Monty – like most of Jimmy’s bouts it’s over with the first lunge but this time it’s Lord Monty what wins. But I give Jimmy a big hand ‘cos I reckon he’s done himself proud. Good on yer, lad!

Next is Sir Les against Mercury Macao and we all get ready for a great fight, but instead Mercury gets the first touch right away, so it’s a bit of an anti-climax, right?

So I’m expectin’ the final’s next up but instead Jimmy has to face up to his master in a bout to decide who comes third. This time Sir Les wins easy.

Now it’s the final and we’re lookin’ at a matchup between Lord Monty and Mercury Macao. It starts off with both usin’ their feet and swords flashin’: thrust, parry riposte and back again. But, just when I’m thinkin’ we could have another great bout like the first round between Sir Les against Maximillian Highplace, Mercury gets a touch so he’s the champ.

Mercury gets a silver medal as champ and two Fruit Machine tokens. Lord Monty gets (another) gold medal (‘cos he’s good at comin’ second) and him and Sir Les get a Fruit Machine token each.

Wow! I wonder what’s next?