Fats Moonshine’s Mystic Record

Part 10

In which our heroes get home…

Godsday, Stasisweek, Fireseason, 613 TA – dawn

I don’t know about the others but I’m glad to leave the mirthless git behind. The next room has two long tables covered in grub – cold meats, cheese, stuff like that, with a butler servin’ drinks – fruit juices, no booze ('cos it’s a bit early for that). The butler calls himself Groves and tells us to eat and drink ‘before our last trial’ (likes I need tellin’).

Indi asks Groves to show him any bird meat ‘cos he ain’t allowed to eat that. The butler points to four dishes but there’s loads of other grub so the Ducks ain’t goin’ hungry. Everythin’ is good, fresh and tasty, but in a bit Indi says his tummy feels a bit rough – I reckon he ate too much too quick ‘cos the rest of us is fine.

Then Sir Les finds a plum with a couple of weird stones – once he’s cleaned them up he finds they’re two rock hard 8-sided dice. He shows them to us and I don’t reckon they’re worth much but he wonders if they’re magic. None of us know the spell but Groves does and he casts it for a small fee – they are magic! Groves reckons they’re a gift from ‘the boss’ – ie Nemesis – for bein’ a good sport. No idea what they do but they look a lot like what Lord Monty won off Skylo…

We stop a few hours and rest, I keep nibblin’ and drinkin’ to keep me strength up. Sir Les asks what’s next but Groves says it’s different for everyone. He asks if our journey’s been easy? Quacky says ‘yes’ but Lord Monty goes off the deep end and goes on about how he had to fight the gazebo by himself while we just watched – I remind him that the gazebo beat me to within an inch before that, it’s not like we didn’t do our bit.

Groves reckons that the harder the challenges, the closer to home we’ll be when we get back to reality. Some people find themselves the other side of the Great Middle Ocean or in a desert or somethin’. Lumme! The things we’ve faced we should wind up back in bed, right?

So we’re all rested and got a bit of Power back when we go through the next door… We’re on a paved path windin’ through dead trees – it’s a bit depressin’ to tell the truth. Then, bout a hundred yards later, we see a one of them gibbets what keeps the hanged crim in a cage – this one’s got a skel in it – I hope it stays shut.

Then, bout 20-30 yards later, we pass a graveyard off to the right – some of the graves look like they were dug yesterday! Another hundred yards and we see a big church loom out the mist dead ahead. We get closer and see it’s got a big dome with a crescent Moon on top – so it’s a Selenite chuch then, and a big one.

Although it’s a church, it kind of looks like a castle – you get a lot like that to the north and south, ‘cos of Trolls and Chaos hordes, you know, but I ain’t see this one before. Any road, the drawbridge is down and on the far side there’s a woman in a dead posh dress (thought for moment it was Tiffany but it’s another posh Selenite lady). She’s got four guards in mail with longswords and shields and four women and two Ducks – and from what Indi and Quacky says the Ducks is both girls, though frankly I can’t tell the difference.

“I am Princess Prospera,” says the lady, “Welcome to the Dance of Purple Peril; we have a partner for each of you.” Then she catches sight of the barrers… “Is that all money?

“Let me explain your challenge. Inside our abbey is a masked ball. One at a time you have the opportunity to dance across the hall with your partners – if you get across, you pass the challenge. Not all the dancers are friendly, they have weapons and you may like to hold yours ready to parry.”

The barrers are a problem but she’ll have them taken through – if we live, they’ll be waitin’ for us. Any of us who die will be carried out.

So four short-arses with big ears come out to take the barrers – Indi seems happy with this and it ain’t my 22,000 shillins! Two more short-arses come out with purple masks what hide our masks and noses and not a lot else and purple cloaks – looks like us dancers must dress up for it. All sounds barkin’ to me but that’s dead right for us Loonies!

Indi goes first – he’s the best dancer and seems dead keen – and he probably wants his barrers back. Lady Prospera leads us through the big door into a nice ballroom with lots of dancers doin’ dancin’. The ballroom is covered in gold and big chandeliers and all that and I reckon it would all be great…

…except the dancers is all undead! There must be fifty or sixty of them! And they’ve all got maces, clubs and things!

Indi says he don’t need no magic so he lends his crystal to Sir Les, in case the rest of us do. Then off he swans with his Duck partner…

…and he just glides through, slick as water off, right?

Jimmy’s next and right away we sees he ain’t as slick as Indi. He kind of does a weird hop and then a zombie takes a swipe at him – it misses but it puts Jimmy off his stroke and he misses another step. Another zombie has a bash but this time Jimmy parries. There’s a third miss (and these is all from different zombies, mind) but then Jimmy catches the beat and dances lovely. A last zombie, lookin’ a mite sharper than the rest, takes a swing but Jimmy’s parry is perfect, lookin’ just like part of the dance and Jimmy’s through that far door.

So it’s Quacky’s go, with another Duck girlfriend. He misses his step right off the mark and a zombie takes a swing but misses. Then he gets the beat and starts dancin’ but that don’t stop another zombie takin’ a swipe and missin’. Then him and his partner shift to quickstep and they’re gone…

Right! It’s my turn. I give all me Power what’s left and Sir Les and Monty cast Coordination and Protection on me – ‘cos they’re real gents. Then I takes me partner and off we go…

…except I don’t get it right and I’m treadin’ on her toes, though she don’t say nothin’. Luckily none of the undead seem to notice. But then I catches the beat and we get goin’ proper. If course, now a zombie catches me and I miss me parry – I get twonked in the head but I’m tough.

Funny, I’m thinkin’ ‘I must not go pig! I must not go pig!’ but actually I don’t feel the urge.

Me and me partner twirl our way cross the floor and no one takes another swing. Then we’re through the door and I see Indi, Quacky and Jimmy with Indi’s barrers. I turn to thank me partner and say sorry for steppin’ on her toes but she’s gone all see through and then she ain’t there at all – guess she was an illusion all the time.

Two minutes later Monty joins us. His girl just sort of fades away too. He says he cast loads of spells and got Parry off Sir Les as well wearin’ his dancin’ boots what he won off the Fruit Machine. He started off dancin’ just elegant but then he stumbled and a zombie tried to bash him but missed. Then he got his rhythm back but had to parry another zombie before he came through.

So we’re all bitin’ our nails, waitin’ for Sir Les, but he makes it through – he started off bad and had to parry a zombie. Then he near fell flat on his face and had to parry two different zombies before he could get hold of his partner again, but then got into the beat and the two of them glided through easy.

I’m dead proud of me dancin’ and I’m definitely goin’ for Terpsichore when we get home.

So we’re all together again with Indi’s barrers. Monty heals me head with his own and Indi’s Power ‘cos I don’t have none of me own left. Seems like I’m the only one what got hit.

Right! It’s another door! This one takes us into the bottom of a wide ravine. It’s daylight, early mornin’ I reckon (Godsday). But the sides just go straight up, must be at least 300 feet high! We ain’t climbin’ them!

I reckon I know this place – there’s a big ravine in the Tardis Marshes, you know.

The floor is covered in purple grass near a foot high but the ground under is damp – well, we’re in the marshes, right? One of the sides has fallen in bout a hundred yards ahead on the right and somethin’s glowin’ there – Jimmy says it’s a ‘portal’ so I reckon it’s our way out, else we trudges the length of the ravine till it gets to the top.

Tween us and that portal is eight purple trees. The others reckon they can see ‘things’ in the branches but I don’t see how ‘cos all those leaves get in the way. They reckon they’re moths… big moths – as big as Indi but that don’t seem that big to me.

Indi reckons the ground is dead boggy and it’s goin’ to be hard work pushin’ the barrers. He can see six trees have moths in but they’re all different. We could shoot them but there’s only Indi’s bow and Jimmy’s crossbow. I’ve got me discus but I can only throw it once.

But then I points at the sky – it’s daytime, won’t the moths be asleep? Sir Les reckons they’re sacred to The Lady too, so I reckon we should just walk through the trees and let them sleep.

The grass is dead squelchy – Quacky likes it and I reckon we could all have a good wallow. Lookin’ behind, the door we came through is gone and it’s another sheer wall behind us – what sages call a ‘box canyon’.

So we’ve gone ten yards toward them trees when suddenly all them moths take flight – maybe two dozen – they looks dead pretty flyin’ in the sky. Some is purple with white spots, some is black and purple or purple with white rims or the other way round – lots of colours. I ready me discus, just in case, but I ain’t throwin’ unless they attack us first. The others all ready weapons and spells…

Indi and Jimmy don’t much care if the moths is sacred ‘cos they shoots right away. Indi gets a moth in the wing but his second shot misses and so does Jimmy’s bolt. They’re dead small and flutterin’ round so they’re dead hard to hit but they’re comin’ in. I decide not to throw me discuss ‘cos I wouldn’t hit nothin’ and I’d probably lose me discus in the boggy grass so I switches to me sword and shield. Sir Les Demoralises a moth as we form a circle but I ain’t got the Power for spells and even me free Befuddle wouldn’t get through their Power.

Quacky misses with his discus and Indi’s two arrers miss too. Lord Monty clips a moth with two coins but it’s still flyin.

Then the moths get nasty – the black and purple ones come in close and shoot little darts out their mouths: Quacky gets hit in an arm and leg and Les gets hit; then one hits me left arm but it’s just a scratch.

The purple moths with white spots swoop in, spittin’ purple goo. Quacky’s hit and says he feels slowed but the others all miss. Then it’s the purple with white spots moths – three of them swoop in and Indi say he felt a spell bounce – I hope they don’t come after me ‘cos it wouldn’t bounce then.

Then some white moths with purple rims hit Jimmy in the leg and it goes all frosty – frost moths! Luckily three others all miss.

There’s these really weird moths with weird splashes of colours, no two alike: they spray Lord Monty and Indi but only Indi’s hit – turns out it’s acid what eats his belly armour. Indi’s hoppin’ mad!

Last is the white moths with purple spots: they miss me, miss Lord Monty, miss me again and then Indi, then the last one hits me with purple and suddenly I find it’s hard to dodge things.

But then we fight back: Sir Les downs one; I miss with me sword but Lord Monty splats one; Jimmy and Quacky miss; I make a grab for one but miss but Indi gets one with his beak.

Monty gazes at an acid moth and it falls down, quiverin’! Then the moths come at us again: darts hit Jimmy in the leg and me in the leg and belly but they’re just scratches and another don’t even get through me leathers. The purple and white spot moths miss Jimmy once and Quacky twice but a third slows the Duck some more.

The purple and white rim moths swoop in and suddenly I ain’t sure what’s goin’ on. There’s all these people round me jumpin’ about and all these things in the air flutterin’ like fritillaries – actually it’s dead pretty…

…but then one of them fritillaries dives in and frosts me leg – I’m not havin’ that! More of them flutter about but I keep me eyes on that one, white with a purple rim. I slash its wing with me sword and it hits the deck; it’s still flutterin’ so I goes over and stomps it! There! Now I can go back to watchin’ the pretty fritillaries…

…and then another little bugger hits me with a spell! What! What have I ever done to it? Well them gents is still jumpin’ around and the fritillaries is flutterin’ but I’m goin’ after that one, purple with white rim – me sword misses so I try to grab it but it’s dead slippery.

So they’re still jumpin’ about or flutterin’ but I’ve got me eyes fixed on that moth. Damn! Me sword misses again! I’m about to try and grab it with me off hand, like, when suddenly all the fritillaries flutter off!

About a minute later I come back to meself again – course, I was Befuddled, right? They reckon they got all but seven before the other moths went back to their trees. Indi’s doin’ his nut, jumpin’ up on down on one dead moth, then he piles up the bodies and burns them with a spell.

We get goin’ again but Quacky’s dead slow thanks to them moths and the goin’ is dead rough what with the boogy ground and the grass, so I takes Quacky’s barrer. Quacky reckons we could wait a bit but we can see cocoons in the trees and we don’t want to wait for more moths to hatch.

It’s hard work but we make the portal and we go through to find we’re in the courtyard of a castle – you know, one of them castles what’s built round a square yard with towers at each corner. There’s a well on one side and all the towers have doors.

It’s daytime but both the Sun and Moon are up in the sky – that’s real weird. The door we just came through is from the great hall so we’re lookin’ cross the courtyard at the main gate. But tween us and the gate is two nasty gribbly things with tentacle faces and four dog-like things with tortoise carapaces and big nobbly lumps at the end of their tails. The Moon looks full but I don’t feel the urge to go pig.

I think I’ve heard of this in the Ravings – this is the Dreamlands, where some folk come to dream, and I reckon the big gribblies is Moonbeasts. One of them barks somethin’ bout we gotta pay a toll, “…either ten thousand shillins or ‘tasty boy’ (I think they means me) there”. I think they wants to eat one of us.

So the Moonbeasts try to cut a deal but Lord Monty’s havin’ none of that. He points at them and says, “You either get out of our way or we kill you all!”

Now I really sees how he got to be such a great hero!

Quacky suggests one of the Moonbeasts duel Indi – I really ain’t sure that’s a good idea, what with Indi’s affliction, but Lord Monty shoots his fireball wand – he hits the mouthy Moonbeast and catches his mate, they both get scorched. Mr Mouth shouts, “You cheatin’ bastard – kill them!” But by now we’re all chargin’!

I get a tortoise dog and I slash its leg right off – it just falls over and curls up. Lord Monty and Sir Les get a Moonbeast each. Sir Les gets parried but he trashes its shield and parries the Moonbeast.

Jimmy and Quacky have a doggy-thing: Jimmy misses; the dog misses Quacky and then Quacky hits it in the leg.

But then the doggy-thing’s tail comes right over its head and clobbers Quacky in the face! His head comes off and lands at me feet!

Quacky’s dead…!

Again!

Indi parries his doggy-thing and hits it good but that armour’s tough stuff. Its tail hits Indi’s head and I reckon that hurt a lot.

The last Moonbeast parries Lord Monty but then Lord Monty shows him how a real parry should look…

…but the two Moonbeasts and the survivin’ doggies all run past us and just keep on runnin’! Snivellin’ cowards!

I’m already pushin’ Quacky’s barrer so I picks him and his head up and puts him on Indi’s cash – sorry bout the blood, Indi, I’m sure it’ll wash off.

We head through the mist…

…and come out in a dark, damp place – smells like it’s been burned! I sort of groan to meself – what’s next? We find steps, we go up (me heftin’ the barrers up but it’s not far).

And then we see we’re in the basement of the burned out casino – we’re in Freetown!

We’re home! We just fall about each other – I’m laughin’ and cryin’ at the same time. I can feel me misfortune’s gone, just like Varna said it would.

I help Indi get his cash to his temple – I ain’t never seen so many gobsmacked Ducks before. I hope their safe is big enough. Then Indi has me carry Quacky round to the Lucie Hospital where Indi pays 1,200 shillins to get him Resurrected – what with that Divint back at the Serai Loficarnia, I reckon Quacky owes Indi a lot of drinks.

Me, I goes back to the family and tell them me adventures. A few days later Jimmy gives me my share of our winnins – what with everythin’ else, I’ve got 700 shillins and some change! First thing, I go buy a bit of armour – nothin’ heavy, just quiltin’ and cuir boulli. When I get the chance I might invest in some sort of bardin’ for when I go pig.

Then I get back into Freetown and I manage to impress the Terpsichore priestess with me dancin’. Once I’m in, I pays to do some bodybuildin’. Then I trains me pig-bite and learn some more Ravings. And that takes me to Harmonyweek, Darkseason.