The Diary of Raoul Grincheux

Part 21

In which there’s a very brief fight before the objets d’art are sold to the highest bidders.

Claynight, Illusionweek, Earthseason, 612, an hour after dusk

Sieur Thomas goes frew the doors – bet he’s after his sword – but I fink the akshuns gonna be inna hall. I reckon Lady Samal needs tellin’ bout this but it’z rite crowded now an’ I can’t see her. All I can see iz Blen kinda standin’ over Boldomir an’ Sieur Alphonse wiv Pascal next to him. That makes me fink of Sally but she’z close an’ takes me ‘and so we dun’t lose each uvver.

But then Lady Samal dresses the room from the uvver side ov the hall – Lumme, she dun’t ‘alf av a voice on her! She tells evrywun that sumwun’s got in wot shoodn’t an’ sez anywun wiv Light az gotta cast it to ‘drive all shadders from the room’. Sounds like she’z gotta a handle on fings.

Then I sees Lady Samal and her pork friend, George, lookin’ ‘ard at the Gowries to me right. I looks the same way an’ just then the crowd sorta parts an’ I sees wun ov the Gowries givin’ wot looks like a big mace – a proper wun wiv them metal ribs – to sum stranger. Then I clocks that’s the guy wot came in just ahed ov me payshent wiv the knackered leg. Looks like the Gowrie ‘ad the mace hid inna case.

Looks like fings iz gonna get fizzical. I tells Sally to stay put an’ walks az kwik az poss to the guy. Az I gets near I sees Lady Samal, George an’ Sieur Alphonse av got the same idea. The Macer iz lookin’ reel intens at the glass bowl over the statoo wotz lot #1 but Lady Samal’s puttin’ ‘erself inna way. I’z also watchin’ the Gowrie but he ain’t gettin’ hiz ‘ands dirty but I reckon he’s castin’ a spell at sumwun. George goes off to get the Gowrie.

I reckon on grapplin’ the bâtard from the back while the nobs av gottiz tenshun. I casts me Invisibility but he’z got Countermagic annit clangs. Az I goes for him I sees fire spark on hiz arm – that’ll be Sieur Alphonse, I reckon. I makes a grab for him but he’s a slippery git so I reckon it’z gonna hafta be the blades an’ I reckon the bâtard’s alreddy beat up a bit – hiz left arm’s danglin’ now.

Az I draws me shortsword an’ dagger I can ‘ear him chantin’ “They must be freed – Free them! Free them!” He must be barkin’ but it sounds a lot like them bâtards wot poisoned Sieur Thomas an’ tried to kill Lady Samal inna her dezres in Puttuck.

Lady Samal an’ Sieur Alphonse iz knockin’ hiz mace away from the statoo but Lady Samal stabs at him wiv her sword. Our Macer sees bofe me an’ her cummin an parries Lady Samal, wot proovs a bad moov ‘cos I sticks him ded good wiv me dagger. I ‘ears George yellin’ sumfink bout hittin’ the git inna lims only so I’z aimin’ for hiz leg – it’z stuck him reel good but blud gets onna ‘andle an’ I loses me grip before I can pull it out, leavin’ me wiv just me sword.

Lady Samal calls onnim to giv up but he’z lookin’ a bit crazed an’ swings his mace again – but az he steps forward to belt her or the statoo there’s a big jet of blud from me dagger an’ he kinda goes white an’ buckles at the knees. Next fing he’z lyin’ onna floor wiv blud speadin’ round him.

Well I checks him out but he’z a gonna – bluddy idyit! If he’d just dropped his mace an’ stood still I cooda got me dagger out an’ stopped the bleedin’ an’ he’d still be livin’. I din’t mean to off him but he’d alreddy bin inna wars an’ hiz arm looks mangled an’ scorched.

Oh well! I guess it’z no loss – I knows George wonted him alive but at least he’s got the Gowrie. I just gets me dagger back an wipes it onna Mr Corpse, ‘cos I’z buggered if I’z gonna get me new shirt all mucky.

Lady Samal dresses the room wiv her big voice – well I’z listenin’, I can tell you – tellin’ the crowd it’z all over an’ askin’ for repair. George gets his priznor all locked up an’ gagged – reckon he’ll fall down the steps ov the bridewell later. Anna bunch of flunkies haul Mr Corpse off an’ start moppin’ up all the blud – it’z reel mazin how much blud cums out so kwik wiv wun dagger inna thigh. I gets back to Sally.

Next fing, there’s Sieur Thomas wiv hiz big sword anna klossal shield (wot I fink shood be inna clokeroom) mowvin off at that Azraelite nob wot he hadda fallin’ out wiv before. They’z talkin’ all posh, ov corss, but they’z gonna fight a duel tomorrer at dawn outside the Azrael Temple.

Then Sieur Thomas hazza blarney wiv Lady Samal just ‘cos she asks him ded nice to put hiz sword back inna clokeroom – Sieur Thomas sez he finks we’z gonna get attacked again but he backs down (so wood I if Lady Samal looked at me like that).

That’z Sieur Thomas for yer – there’z ain’t nowun else I’d wont on me side if we woz inna fight an’ I reckon hiz takin’ on Zog the Great Troll woz ded heroic but I gotta admit he’za bit of a git for enyfing else.

Akterly, I’z not sure I’d call wot Mr Corpse did an ‘attack’– like it’z ded weerd, he put togevver a reel smart plan, wiv a lotta careful workin’ out by a whole bunch of guys to get him in wiv a proper weppon, but az soon az he got hiz mace he woz ded stoopid. An’ if I cood put him down wiv just wun stab, he wun’t much of a fret, know what I mean? (OK, I know he woz a bit beat up alreddy but it took me all day to put down Old Tar’s sister an’ she din’t even av no armer or weppons.)

I asks Sally if she fancies watchin’ they’z duel tomorrer an’ she sez she’z up for watchin’ two toffs beatin’ each uvver up. Meanwhile we wotches all the toffs…

So the blud’s all mopped up an’ evrywun’s back inna party mood. Sieur Alphonse takes vantaj ov hiz part inna fight an’ goes onna pull – hiz new mate points him at two girls wot Rolf sez iz the dorters of the Mayor of Sophia, August Barquentine – lumme, bit ovva mowful.

Rolf reckons Sieur Alphonse iz aimin’ reel high an’ he’z got sum stiff compitishun but I reckon he’z got reel star kwality, he looked ded dashin’ in that fight an’ I reckon the compitishun better look out.

Then Eliza spots there’za lyre goin’ spare an’ the Gowries are a man down so she mucks in for a coupla songs – I reckon she’z doin’ alrite but then they tellz her they’z can manaj wiv just three. I offers to muck in wiv me penny whistl wot I’z gettin’ ded good wiv now but they won’t let me up on the bandstand ‘cos ‘we must av sum standards’ – bluddy cheek! I’z kwite hurt akterly.

I sees Lady Samal talkin’ to loads ov toffs, incloodin Boldomir again an’ a Typhonian roonlord

But me an’ Sally duz sum hobnobbin’ ov our own wunse we’z ad sum more champers – I gets talkin’ to this Duck wot’z called Fabergé Angelduck. He brort in lot 42 – a vase by Sarah Mix wot he reckons woz erly Moon Age – cor! Fabergé reckons it’d be wurf a mint but it’z a bit chipped so it’z goin’ for 30-50 shillins.

We gets talkin’ bout Heliopolis an’ I gets to menshun that Sun King Louis the Wotever iz reely in to conkerin inna big way – reckon he’z gonna take all the Eejian an’ he’z alreddy got all the islands. But I fink Fabergé gets the wrong end ovva stick an’ he finks Louis iz conkerin Duckpoint – well mebbe he’z finkin of that too but Fabergé gets all ovvis fevers in a flurry an’ reckons he’z gotta get back to Duckpoint to free hiz mates from oppreshun.

I tries to fink back wot we sed – mebber we’z bofe adda bit too much champers, know what I mean? I reckon me anna Duck iz bofe lucky they rings the bell for the Orcshun rite bout then.

So this natty lookin’ geezer tellz evrywun to go in the templ proper – it’z bin dun up speshul like the hall, the altar’s moovd back anna lectern put up next to a stand – Rolf sez they’z gonna bring out each lot wun-by-wun, cheap tat first, an everywun’s gonna bid. Me an Sally az a gold-edged tickit so we az to go up inna gallery but all the toffs iz downstairs – Lady Samal’s rite atta front.

The Orchuneer iz Leroy Vandyke – he tellz evrywun the rools – all bids iz final (no backin’ out, sez Rolf) an’ the winners av to settle up wivin 24 hours. Biddin’s by raisin your ‘and – me an’ Sally keeps our ‘ands in our laps – akterly Sally ‘angs on to me ‘and wiv bofe hers so she dun’t buy sumfink by mistake.

The first lot is that sandal but the cheap stuff goes reel kwik – Rolf sez wun guy brings the same fing evry year an’ always buys it himself – reckons he only loses a few bob an’ it gets him a free tickit.

There’z loadsa peepl biddin’ for the tat but them peepl wot cum in early wiv me an Sally are the reel clektors an’ there’z only bout six ov ‘em. We knows Boldomir, ov corss, sat next to Blen an’ always lookin’ at hiz notes; then there’za coupla rich merchants in roonmetal robes: an old, fat geezer wot swets a lot anna younger blond bloke; anna coupla toffs wiv more munny than sense, an Azraelite anna Looney (but ain’t they’z all).

An’ last there’z this tall geezer inna long, dark cloke. When he bids he always seems to wait a bit before raisin’ hiz ‘and – I reckons he’z got Mindlink or mebbe Mindspeech wiv a bit ov Extenshun, or an Ally Spirit outside, wot’s almost the same fing. I asks Rolf who he iz an’ Rolf reckons he’z an agent for Serjedny – he dun’t know hiz name but sez he’z ‘eard they’z bofe from Transylvania! Cor! Makes yer fink!

Sally gets ded excited when Leroy shouts ‘lot 32’ an’ they brings out her stone. The first bid iz for 25s an’ then it goes up 5s wiv diffrent peepl takin’ turns but soon it’z just Boldomir gainst Serjedny’s agent but the Tranny shakes hiz hed an’ it looks like Boldomir’s got it for 60s but then Sieur Alphonse cums in wiv 65s! Boldomir looks at Sieur Alphonse an’ smiles an’ so Sally’s stone goes to Sieur Alphonse! Rolf sez the Temple takes 10% but they dun’t like small change so they always rounds up to the nearest shillin but he reckons me an’ Sally’ll be splittin’ 58 bob! Minted! Rolf’s wineskin only went for 18 bob but that’s more than he fort it wood so he’z ‘appy – not like it cost him anyfing.

Reel soon they’z biddin’ on lot 30, the potter’s bowl. I dunt reckon it’z nuffink speshul but I knows Lady Samal’s intrested. Boldomir an’ Serjedny’s agent bids early on but it goes to the fat merchant for 70 shillins.

Then cums the blue toe-paz (lot 28) wot’s probly belongs wiv the crown. The biddin’s reel feerz an’ it goes for 220 shillins to a nob, the Selnite.

Lot 23 iz the gold ring – Lady Samal starts at 100s but seems to lose intrest kwik an it goes to Boldomir for 160 shillins.

Lot 18 iz the pendant – Lady Samal’s intrested again but dun’t bid annit goes to Serjedny’s agent for 380 shillins – Rolf reckons he’z gotta a good deal there.

Now we’z gettin’ to the rich stuff – lots 10-7 iz all for a fowzand shillins or more but Boldomir anna uvver clektors ain’t bovvered – they’z only wonts the stuff wiv reel ‘cultooral eritaj’, sez Rolf.

But then Leroy shouts ‘lot 6’ an’ evrywun starts gobbin’, upstairs an’ down ‘cos it’z the crown – an’ it looks ded cool, even wiv sum ovva toe-pazes missin’. The biddin’ starts at 2500 an all six clektors iz goin’ ‘ammer an’ tongs but it goes for 6800 shillins to the same Selnite nob wot bort the toe-paz, which makes sense.

Then it’z lot 5, the earins wot iz power store kristls – now I knows from wot Lady Samal’s sed that she reckons them’s undervalood an’ she starts the biddin’ at 1200. The Azraelite nob wot din’t get the crown bids 1250 an’ she cums back reel kwik wiv 1300. When he bids again she’s reel kwik again an’ she turns an’ givs ‘em a reel ‘ard stare. Boldomir looks like he mighta bin intrested he smiles like he did wiv Sieur Alphonse an’ Lady Samal gets her earins for 1500 shillins.

Next iz the iron spear – lookin’ a bit tatty an’ beat up but lumme it’z iron – I knows Eliza’s cult’s gave her loads ov dosh to buy it but she just whispers sumfink to Lady Samal an’ she duz all the biddin’. Bofe the merchant clektors an’ the Typhonian nob wot Lady Samal woz talkin’ to before iz biddin’ ded feerz but it’z obvio that Lady Samal ain’t gonna stop an’ she gets it for 3200 shillins.

So lot 3 iz the bronz bracelit – it starts at 2000 an’ goes to 2200 when it looks like the biddin’ just dies – looks like they’z ain’t intrested inna magic bronz bracelit. But then Blen bids 2300! I mean, wot? Boldomir givz a bit ovva jump. Blen looks like he’z gonna bid again but Boldomir sez sumfink an’ keeps shakin’ hiz hed and Blen lets it go to the blond merchant for 2400 shillins.

We’z getting’ to the reel big stuff now. Lot 2 iz the jade bowl, which I fink iz kwite nice but I ain’t got 5000s an’ I’z got nowhere to put it if I did, right? Boldomir is reel intens, starin’ at Serjedny’s agent. By the time the biddin gets past 5000s it’z just the two ovvem – Serjedny’s agent wins it for 9,500 shillins – cor!

An’ last iz the statoo, wot I woodn’t take if you paid me, but again Boldomir an’ Serjedny’s agent are intens, biddin like they hates each uvver – probly do if Rolf iz rite. This time Boldomir wins but it’z gonna cost him 10,400 shillins. Merde! There’z peepl wiv more munny than sense an’ then there’z clektors, know what I mean?

Rolf sez the fings goin’ for fowzands will get paid for tomorrer, probly by ‘letters ov credit’ wot rich geezers use insted of cash (‘cos 10 fowzand shillins weighs a packet, even in wheels an’ feevs just can’t spend letters so they ain’t worf knickin’). But he reckons the small stuff will probly be settled now so wiv any luck me an’ Sally will walk out wiv 29 shillins each.