The Diary of Raoul Grincheux

Part 22

In which our heroes are invited to dinner by Boldomir Jacobi.

Claynight, Illusionweek, Earthseason, 612, late evening

So wiv the last bang ov Leroys ‘ammer (wot Rolf sez izza gavl) evrywun starts leavin’. Corss them’z wot havn’t bort or sold enyfing can go rite away – sum stops for a natter but most ovvem just leaves. But them’z wot still av bizniss gotta stay. Sum bloke calls out that them’z inna galry wot wonts they’z winnins gotta follow ‘im downstairs so me an’ Sally do just that.

Az we follows the flunky we passes the Selnite nob (Rolf sed hiz name’z Vurcer Terrawolf – dun’t sound all that Loony to me but he’z dresst like wun) wot looks reel ‘appy wiv hiz crown, even wiv all them toe-pazes missin. The Azraelite he beat (Davik Remal ‘cordin to Rolf) looks like he lost a wheel an’ found a shillin.

So Sally an’ me getz a wheel an’ 9 shillins each after the Temple takes their cut an’ she’z tickled pink – she’z never owned a wheel before – “dunt spend it all at wunce” I tells her.

I’z figurin that wiv us carryin so much dosh we shood get inna sewers soon az poss an’ make our way back to the Mischief but it wooden be rite to go wivout sayin’ bye to Lady Samal – but she sez Boldomir’s invited her an’ her mates back to hiz inn for posh nosh an’ Lady Samal reckons me an’ Sally count az her mates – Cor! That’z rite nice, I reckon. So I asks Sally if she fancies sum posh nosh an’ she sez yes if there’z pudden.

Lady Samal sez Boldomir’s stayin’ atta Golden Dragon, wot I knows izza top-notch inn inna very posh bit ov Sophia – Sally’s ‘eard ovvit but she dun’t know just where it iz but I duz – all this venturin az reely given me joggingraphy a boost, I reckon. It’za bit ovva walk but we were-rats iz used to that an’ Sophia’s a lot smaller than Heliopolis.

But then Lady Samal sez she’z gonna taykus in her carrij – Wow! Sally sez she’z never bin inna carrij before an’ I dunt fink I’z bin in wun eyver.

Lady Samal only stops to tell George to meet her atta Golden Dragon an we’z off. Turns out we ain’t goin’ strait there ‘cos Lady Samal wonts to drop off the iron spear at the Wind Temple. Even tho it’z late it looks like they woz waitin’ for us – they thanks Lady Samal but asks Eliza to stop a mo. I dun’t know wot they sez to her but when she cums out she’z still got the spear – reckon they wonts her to av it ‘cos she’z a big hero after our doin’s in Fireseason. She seemz a bit flummoxed an’ from wot she sez to Lady Samal I fink she’z gotta buy it off the Temple on the never-never.

It’za reel smoov ride inna carrij – reckon it’z got suspenshun ‘cos we dunt feel the potholes not at all – not like when drivin’ a cart, wot can be reel ‘ard onna bum, know what I mean?

So we gets to the Golden Dragon wot izza ded posh, 2 floor inn oppsit a nice little park. It’z onna corner tween a road anna alley wiv a balknee hangin’ over the front. Inside izza big room wivva bar at the back anna kitchens atta rite. There’z stairs atta back wot go up to the bedrooms.

Sieur Alphonse an’ Sieur Thomas iz here alreddy, talkin’ to Boldomir – he’z put the statyoo wot he bort onna table inna middle ov the room. I can’t say I likes it much – gives me a bit ovva turn, to be onest – but it wun’t me wot coffd up 10,000 shillins for it. Reckon Boldomir’s showin’ it off.

Az we goes in Boldomir duzza leep to iz feet an’ givs Lady Samal a reel posh bow – reely showz the leg – an’ sez he’z reel made up she cood cum – reckon he likes her a lot. Then he tells Eliza her new iron spear looks magnifish… maggienif… real cool – but I ain’t sure he’z been reel troofall bout that – to be ‘onest, it duz look a bit tatty, but it’z still iron, rite? Corss she ain’t tooned it yet so it’ll av mucked up her magic.

Then he even sez ‘ello to me an’ Sally an’ sez he likez her dress – I tellz him it’z practkal az well an’ Sally shows how she can get at her knives frew the slits wot you can’t see – he seemz reel impressed. I reckon Sally cood start a new fashun.

So now we’z all ‘ere it’z time for the grub – an’ it’z grate, sumwun sez it’z 6 corses but I ain’t countin’ – Sally’s a bit put out by the horse-doves (stooped name ‘cos there ain’t no birds or ‘orses innit) – lotz of reel small fish fried crisp wivva tangy sorss – but I tellz her she shood just tuck in an’ wunce she tastes it she just shuvls it down.

Whiles we’z noshin’ Boldomir wonts to know all bout wot we did inna Fireseason wiv our dig in Yrum. Lady Samal, Sieur Alphonse an’ Sieur Thomas duz most ovva talkin’ but they leaves out sum stuff – they dunt menshun the lusion wot hid the tunnel or the walkin’ backwards fing – she sez the Trolls beat up a loada Scorps at the end but she dunt menshun Gertrude (which izza bit ovva shame, I fink, but I keeps me mowf shut).

Boldomir asks each ovvus for our stories but I’z fraid ov sayin’ sumfink the toffs wanna keep kwyet. Lady Samal duz talk bout the demon an’ how it woz linked wiv the book called Karnifex an’ Boldomir nods like he knows all bout it.

Turns out Boldomir duz know a fair bit an’ starts talkin’ bout reel old history in Sophia – turns out back inna Dawn Age, it wun’t called Sophia at all, it woz Yavorbad, before it got conkered by a load ov Heliots, Rhadis an’ Humaktis, wot adda reel downer onnit ‘cos ov Wraithe. (But I ain’t sure Boldomir’s keen onna croosaid.)

I’z ‘eard of Wraithe an’ wot I’z ‘eard ain’t nice, not at all – bunch of necromancerers, messin’ wiv undead (an’ King Rat dun’t like that sort of fing – no indeedy – ‘cos we’za cult of Life an’ Spirit, rite?)

But Yavorbad woz just wun ovva bunch ov cities inna state an’ sum ovvem woz reely in to demons inna big way – probly from Godtime! Lumme, makes yer fink!

Turns out wun ov these towns wot like demons woz Yrum, wot woz were Ole Tar’s dig woz. Boldomir ded keen on clektin demon-stuff from that time – which iz why he bort the statyoo. (But I’z goin’ off it even more now I knows it mite be demonic.)

I gets the feelin’ that Boldomir iz just waitin’ for sumwun to ask bout hiz new toy an’ Sieur Alphonse duz just that – Boldomir reckons it’za reel ‘Sool’ statyoo. He sez Sool woz Empror reel early inna Dawn Age (an’ mite even av bin Empror in Godtime) wot woz reel into demons. He had magic we dunt av no more an’ he cood kill sum poor sod an’ bind them’z spirit inna sumfink – an’ that bindin’ woz reel nasty, sort of tortyur, like. He points out the statyoo dunt look ‘appy (an’ she dun’t).

Sieur Thomas asks if she’d be mad now an’ Boldomir nods ‘appily an’ sez yes, utter barkin’, but he reckons the statyoo iz ‘completely safe’ – like it’z OK to tortyur sum poor cow for fowzands ov years az long az she can’t get her own back.

Boldomir sez he’s ‘eard that if the statyoo woz put inna speshul bowl (meanin’ the wun bort by Serjedny) she’d be cryin’ tears of pure silver wot cood get cort inna bowl so you cood flog ‘em for dosh!

Lady Samal sez she can see spirits, fumblin’ her lockit, an’ she’z seen the statyoo, bowl (wot bofe av spirits an’ sumfink to do wiv water), bracelit an’ Eliza’s spear an’ they’z got power but probly not spirits. Boldomir reckons wot Lady Samal can see iz magic power an’ he reckons the spirit woz akterly bound inna sum uvver place an’ the statyoo iz just a link – I sez ‘condooit’ an’ he nods – Yeah, sounds just like a sewer fulla shite to me.

Boldomir sez he’z never seen enyfing like the statyoo for sale before. He reckons the bracelit woz to keep a portant slave in line but he dunt fink it’z that intrestin’. He reckons the spear ‘az a cheap magic matrix so it can be tooned by sumwun wots rich but not a roonlord – sum rich toff’s kid. He’z ded ‘appy Lady Samal bort her earins atta fair price.

Lady Samal asks bout the pendant wot woz lot 18, bort by Serjedny – she’z worritin it mite be like her lockit, not at all magic an’ then sudden-like it iz an’ all demonic – but Boldomir reckons the pendant woz too posh for that, he finks it’za rich toffs copy of a tatty reel fing.

I ain’t sure this makes much sense to me an’ I’z feelin’ like Boldomir’s puttin’ me rite off me pud. I din’t like that statyoo when I first saw it an’ if Boldomir’s rite then sum poor soul az bin lockd up inside for fowzands of years, goin’ off her nut, so sum rich git can milk her for silver.

I’z finkin’ I shood say sumfink but it ain’t me place an’ Lady Samal’s mate, George, turns up bout now – he wunt able to leave till all the munny and those fings still waitin’ for cash woz put away safe. Now George is wivvus Sieur Thomas changes the subject by askin’ him bout the ‘misscree-ants’.

George sez he’z grilled the Gowrie wots called Viktor Janost. He sez Mr Corpse woz a dancer called Sonny Mendels wot went onna dig ‘cos he needed sum extra dosh. Turns out this Sonny only went an’ dug up the statyoo hizzelf – he got paid just 10s for that an’ his boss sold it for 10,000 shillins.

So Sonny gets all riled by this an’ gets Viktor to smuggle in the mace for him – Sonny sed he woz reel annoyed an’ woz gonna smash the statyoo, came up wiv a reel cunning plan to get in wivva hefty weppon but din’t fink much ov gettin’ away after.

So Viktor did the dirty for him but he din’t mean for Sonny to get killed – well that’s wot George sez Viktor told him, but Viktor woz castin’ spells an’ stuff an’ he must av known Sonny wunt gonna make a lot ov frendz swingin’ that grate tater-masher round. George az dun a sketch of Viktor but I ain’t sure it looks all that like him – but then I din’t get a good look attim, wot wiv evryfing else goin’ on, like.

Viktor reckons Sonny seemd ‘distraktid’ an’ I remembers he woz chantin’ ‘Free them!’ over an’ over agin. I’z finkin’ mebbe Viktor woz tryin’ to free them priznor spirits? I din’t mean to kill Sonny an’ knowin’ hiz name dunt make that any easier, rite? An’ mebbe Sonny had the rite idea, know what I mean?

Lady Samal wonders if the statyoo izza porthole to where all Sool’s priznor spirits iz kept – I reckon she’z rite an’ so woz Sonny so I makes up me mind to say wot’z bin on me mind for ‘alf the meal…

I sez, “if a spirit iz trapped in the statyoo then it shood be freed”, (Spirit cult)!

I woz finkin’ evrywun wood shout at me for not keepin’ me place but akterly I fink I got away wiv it – at least evrwun talks bout it. Sieur Alphonse an’ Sieur Thomas ain’t keen ‘cos they dunt wont sum insane bint screamin’ round but Lady Samal, bless her, she sez, “morally they’z shood be freed” but she reckons it’z gotta be dun safe – even if it trashes a pretty statyoo! Cor! Fanks Lady Samal – she’za reel luv!

Boldomir shows wot’z on hiz mind ‘cos he reckons the spirits cood be freed but only if that freein’ dunt hurt hiz new toy. I unnerstand – he’z just paid 500 wheels for it but the way I sees it you just can’t keep a spirit banged up like that – it’z just not rite!

Sieur Alphonse sez he finks Sonny mite be part ovva big conspirsee… constipasee… gang who’z out to get Boldomir anna statyoo. But Boldomir reckons Blen can keep him safe from enyfing in Sophia an’ tomorrer he’z heddin back to his states wot ain’t far from Puttuck. I sez Lady Samal woz attacked by a gang in her own house so mebbe Boldomir ain’t safe even in hiz castle.

Lady Samal asks if enywun else az ad weerd dreams ov bein’ trapped inna dark place fulla water? We all tellz her she’z on her own, there, luv. But then I remembers wot ‘appened when Sally got her stone, ‘ow she woz trapped inna sewers when the condooit started gushin’ fit to bust all sudden-like. I sez it woz as bad as enyfing I seen in Seaseason – an’ we rats knows a lot bout sewers, rite?

Sumwun asks if there’z bin much rain but Eliza an’ Lady Samal reckon it’z bin a bit dry, if enyfing. There’z bin no storms an’ they dun’t fink wuns cummin right now, tho we’z just a week anna bit from Darkseason, of corss. But even if there woz I dunt see how a storm next week cood av fludded the sewers last week, know what I mean?

Just then cums a knock onna door – wiv all this talk ov gangs an’ peepl out to get Boldomir (an’ I’z tempted meself, know what I mean?) he gets Blen to see who it iz. Blen shows in that Azraelite nob wot Rolf sed woz Darik Remal.

Darik looks us over, an’ I reckon he dun’t like wot he sees but turns out he’za second (second wot?) for a gent called Alekzander Hamlton, wot Sieur Thomas iz fightin’ at dawn tomorrer. He’z cum to sort out stuff wiv Sieur Thomas’ second, wot’s Sieur Alphonse. Turns out they’ll be fightin’ wivout magic, wivva sword anna shield an’ they’z can wear any armour. (I reckon Alekzander’s gonna turn up in full iron plate, rite?) They’z gonna fight till one ovvem yields or can’t fight no more.

Sieur Thomas sez he wonts a bet on the side – 10 wheels! Merde! So the loser cood be missin’ a leg an’ he’z gotta fork out 100 shillins! Bluddy toffs!

So Darik stalks off wiv evryfing settled an’ we gets back to nattering. Lady Samal wonts to check out the ring wot Boldomir bort. He dun’t av it wivvim rite now but she can see it onna way home tomorrer. Boldomir reckons the writin mite be a demon roon script used in Yrum mebbe. Merde! I’z reely goin’ off Boldomir inna big way – all he’z intrested in iz demons!

Well it’z gone midnite an’ we’z all tired. Boldomir sez we can all stay ‘ere but Lady Samal’s got her own digs in anuvver inn (Hotel Moskva?) an’ I’z gotta get Sally back to the Mischief – I fink Sieur Alphonse an’ Sieur Thomas may stop over. But after Sieur Thomas’ duel tomorrer we’z all travlin togevver back to Puttuck or wherever Boldomir lives.

Lady Samal sez she can drop me an Sally close to the Mischief, wherever that iz, which iz ded nice ov her, an’ I wanna talk bout the statyoo.

But just as we’z gettin’ up from the table we ‘ears a dog barkin’ outside. It sounds kinda funny, ded reglar, like it woz a signal, an’ sumwhere outside I can ‘ear an ‘eavy rumbl – like a reely big cart rollin’, mebbe? I sez, “Can you ‘ear that rumblin’?” – I fink I’z the only wun but sevral ‘ears the dog so me an’ Sieur Alphonse check the door.

Just as Sieur Alphonse opens it, Blen sez he can detect three enemies outside! Wiv the door open, evrywun can ‘ear the rumblin’ an me an’ Sieur Alphonse sees a bluddy great stone giant cummin outa the park! Merde! Sieur Alphonse slams the door shut an’ I backs away, castin’ Shimmer, ‘cos it’z bout to get fizzical again an’ that thing dunt look like me daggers gonna so much az scratch it.