The Diary of Raoul Grincheux

Part 26

In which our heroes get to view Lord Boldomir Jacobi’s collection.

Windsday, Illusionweek, Earthseason, 612, evening – après dîner

Boldomir iz reel keen to show off hiz clekshun an’ takes us into hiz gallery wot goes rite round the back end of hiz house – there’z a guard but he makes himself scarce pretty kwik.

I counts duzzins of fings an’ he goes frew the lot, wun-by-wun-by-wun. It ain’t like we started early an’ he’z goin’ more’n two hours. An’ this ain’t even all ovvit ‘cos he keeps talkin’ bout stuff he’z got stord sumplace. The toffs are ded impressed by wot they must cost an’ I sees they’z in locked glass cases or tevvered to the wall, that an’ the guard make it obvio that Boldomir finks them worf a mint but I dunno, sum of it’z nice enough but a lot ovvit’s just plane weerd an’ I bets he’z paid ova the odds for a lot ovvit – the wuns wot stand out are like this:

1) A silver joolry box, lookin’ a bit old an’ worn akterly but it’z got wonky roons round the side an’ Boldomir sez it makes your eyes go funny to look at for long – he finks it messes wiv space an’ time. Sieur Alphonse asks wot’s innit an Boldomir opens it to show 7-8 small red gems wot all look the same, like they came from a necklace or sumfink. The toffs reckon each jool is worf bout 500s – an’ they’z just lyin there! Wonder if ole Boldomir wood notice if I sneaked in after bedtime an’ pinched just wun?

2) A wooden box bout a foot cross anna bit more high – looks like a tiny model ovva big clock like the wun on the Gildhall in Heliopolis – it’z got 2 ‘ands, just like a clock, an’ it’z kind ov sayin’ it’za bit past half wun but the ‘ands dunt point at numbers, it’z got wot looks like piktures ov the Moon in all diffrent fazes. Boldomir sez it woz made by sum Dwarf smiff inna late Moon Age an’ it’za majik ortomutton – he opens it to show the works – loads ov bronz cogs wiv the big wuns maid ov iron.

3) This izza piktur – Boldomir’s got a lot of theez hung in ‘ere anna few more bout the ‘ouse. He sez he keeps the lite in the Gallery reel dim ‘cos a lot of brit lite makes the piktures fade – can’t say I ever notices, meself, but then I ain’t never owned an old piktur wots bin in the famly for jenrayshuns, ‘av I? But Boldomir sez this piktur’s ded speshul ‘cos it’z ov Yrum wot’s the name ov the place where’z we beat up all them zombies an’ the demon inna mirror. Inna piktur I sees a big domed temple onna hill an’ Lady Samal reckons that’s the place we went in – I can see the stairs wot woz blocked an’ inna piktur they’z outside inna Sun. Sieur Alphonse asks wot “insane gibberin’ artist” painted it? Boldomir dunt know enuff ova lingo wot iz the roony writin’ we saw on sum of the lots in the Orcshun an’ he turns the piktur ova to show the back where the writin’ iz – an’ there’z like a compass drawn there, pointin’ east anna word wot Boldomir sez iz ‘Yrum’ At first I dunt fink it’z all that good ‘cos it’z kinda outa scale, but then I reckons it’z usin’ the wonky rune style to make the temple look bigger – bit ‘ard on the eyes, know what I mean? Akterly I still dun’t fink it’z much good – I wooden even ‘ang it inna privy if I wozza toff.

4) Boldomir’s ded keen on this wun, sez it’z hiz favrit after hiz new statyoo – inna midl ovviz gallery, it’z a whoppin’ grate frone maid ov white marble wiv lotsa gold leef. Boldomir finks it blonged to wun ovva kings in the demon-messin’ cities inna Dawn Age but he dunt know which wun. He asks if wun ovvuz wanna sit in it – well I ain’t goin’ neer it (my mum dint raise no balourds) an’ I reckon all the toffs an’ Eliza all steps back a bit so Boldomir orders Blen to sit – he sez it’z ded safe an’ if Blen cums off bad he’ll dubbl hiz pay. So Blen sits – he sez he feels funny, like a spell mite ov hittim – an then I reckons he looks reel pretty, kinda commandin’, like, I means like he seems to shine an’ I reckon I almost wanna worship him – which iz bonkers, I mean, thissiz Blen, rite? An’ I reckon he looks bigger too, a bit bigger than me, an’ before I’z always had an inch onnim. So it’z kinda like Glamour, only stronger – kinda like a roonmajik version ov Glamour, know what I mean? (Good, ‘cos I dunt!) But then Blen stands up an’ looks normal again – normal for a Humakti, enyroad.

5) A silver box, bit like #1 but a bit bigger. Boldomir opens it an’ I sees it’z got a tiny statyoo inside wot’s like a Gorgon (we ‘ad wun down the sewers in Heliopolis when I woz a nipper), only it’za bloke – sortov a big snake wiv arms. When the box iz open this weerd music starts playin’ an’ Mr Snake goes round an’ round, noddin’ up an’ down. Boldomir sez he finks Mr Snake wozza demon worshipped by the cities. Then Boldomir uses the box to cast a spell on Blen (an’ he dun’t ask him nice this time, eyver). Blen sez he feelz stronger an’ quicker – Boldomir sez it’z Dancetrance. Lady Samal asks how often it can do that an’ Boldomir sez twice a day but it can only do it when the box iz open and the music’s playin’. The music sounds ded weerd to me, kinda forrin.

6) This izzan an old broke teapot – it dun’t look it blongs wiv all this uvver stuff an’ I reckon it’d get frone outa the Orcshun but Boldomir iz ded ecsited – he snaps hiz fingers an’ this servant cums in (reckon she’z bin waitin’ outside just for this). She’z gotta jug an’ she fills the teapot wiv cold water. It looks like it shood be leakin’ all ova the floor but after a minute or so it starts boilin’ an’ the servant cums back wiv a teaset onna tray and servs us all a cuppa. It dun’t kwite taste like eny tea I’ve had before but it’z reel nice an’ wakes you up (which iz just well ‘cos Boldomir’s talkin’ iz bout to put me to sleep – hope it wearz off before bed, tho). Boldomir sez he hadda famuss Lucie from Freetown called Hettie visit a coupla years ago an’ she reckoned this teapot wunce blonged to Demosthenes himself – well, if he sez so – but it’z nice enuff tea an’ I reckon thissiz the best fing in hiz clekshun.

7) A flattish bowl, lookin’ like it’z maid by Sarah Mix or sumwun like her. But it’z got theze pikturs ov skeltons round the outside – and then when Boldomir picks it up they seem to moov! I spots 2 Def runes but they’z upside down! This in’t just weerd, it givs me a reel turn, akterly – I defnitly prefers the teapot. Boldomir izza little down – sez he’s looked reel hard attit, dun expermints an’ even tried to toon it (an’ wot ‘appened to Aidan Musk tells me that’s ded danjrus) but not only he dunt know wot it duz, he reckons Demosthenes dunt know eyver. Then Lady Samal spots the skells all look hooman wiv spears an’ slings but wiv big tails an’ I reckon I’ve ‘ad enuff. Merde! We’z still only two firds ov the way round but Boldomir wunt shut up!

8) Boldomir akterly seemz a bit scared ov this – it’za small black book. When Boldomir opens it we see more ov that roony writin’. He finks it’z akterly for a kid ‘cos it’z got pikturs – they shows a little girl who gets bigger an’ smaller an’ she talks to a big maggot onna shroom an’ to a cat wot vanishes leevin’ just it’z teef – well that’z Chaos for you! Boldomir sez her name iz Alice, wot sounds like a Loony name to me.

9) A big iron open-faced ‘elmet – looks like it fits sumwun a bit bigger than me, but not a lot. (I cood probly wear it wiv sum paddin’ – but I ain’t bout to, not on me aunt Nellie.) Boldomir sez it’z ‘frajil’ but it looks like a lump of iron to me. Boldomir shows there’s more roony writin’ on the side. Lady Samal sez it’z got a lot ov Def an’ Majik roons all ova it an’ she reckons it makes whoever wears it better wiv swords, wot are Def roons, like. So Boldomir asks Eliza to try it on an’ then he takes us all out to the cortyard so she can swing her sword. Boldomir asks wun ovvus to try sparrin’ wiv her. Well Eliza’s got a shortsword, like me, so I ups an sez I’ll giv it a go – dunno wot I woz finkin’, mebbe that tea’s stronger than I fort. So we waves our swords about a bit, then she hazza lunj an’ I parries her but Eliza sez she feelz like she knows wot she’z doin’ an’ she seems az good az me. Then I azza lunj an’ Eliza misses her parry an’ I sticks her inna foot. Merde! I din’t mean to hurt her an’ it’z a good job I wunt puttin’ me wait behind it but it dun ‘alf mangle her foot. I sez I’z sorry (an’ I am) but I ‘az to say she takes it reel well, kinda shrugs it off, binds her foot herself. Then Boldomir gets a flunky to bring a Healin’ poshun an’ she’z rite az rain – but I ain’t volunteerin’ for enyfing ever again, let me tell you.

10) Then, just when I fort it’z all over Boldomir shows us a big box inna corner – it’z wot they calls a trunk, wivva round-top lid bound wiv bronz. I spots it’z got handls maid ov that green stone wot woz holdin’ the demon-mirror, wot I reckons iz always bad news, know what I mean? So when Boldomir asks who’z gonna get near it I keeps me trap shut. There’z like a long paws an’ then Sieur Alphonse sez he’z game. So he moovs tward it an’ then seems to flinch, sayin’ ‘You ‘ear that?’. I dunt ‘ear nuffink but sumwun standin’ nearer sez it growled! Boldomir sez most peepl dunt get that far so it must like Sieur Alphonse. Boldomir opens it an’ there’z nuffink inside. Then he drops a hanky inside and closes the lid. This time I’z shaw I ‘ears it gulpin’…! Then Boldomir opens it again an’ the hanky’s gone. “I dunt know where it goes”, he sez. Then he sez it’za bit like them big stones you get round sum Matar temples, speshully them inna open, wot moovs when you ain’t lookin’ (‘cos they’z dunt like bein’ counted – dunno why) ‘cos he reckons the trunk moovs. He sez a few years ago sum feef got in an’ beat up the guard. First fing Boldomir knew ovvit woz when he got woke by screamin’ inna night. He went an’ found the guard all groggy, wot sed he got coshed by a feef but there wunt no feef about, but Boldomir reckoned the trunk ad moovd!!! He opens it again an’ leevs it there – after bout a minute it kinda closes ded slow. Then Blen sez it’z an enemy to all ovvus. (Rite, them red jools can stay rite wherez they iz, know what I mean?)

So it’z ded late, reckon near midnite. Boldomir reckons it ain’t far to Puttuck but we’z all welkum to stay the nite. I dunno, it’z a bit late to be drivin’ ‘ome but part ov me dunt’ wanna share a roof wiv Boldomir anniz clekshun. But it ain’t up to me and the toffs iz ‘appy to stay.

Fireday, Illusionweek, Earthseason to Windsday, Deathweek, Darkseason, 612

Brekfust is cool – bred wiv fruit an’ nuts. Then Boldomir wishes us a safe trip ‘ome but sez he wonts to natter wiv Lady Samal again wunce she’z cracked the roony writin’ an’ they’z all reckon we’ll be back in four weeks.

Back at the Dezrez Sieur Alphonse an’ Sieur Thomas sez they’z goin’ back to they’z states in Heliopolis to rake in the cash at Samhain. I’z bout to go wivvem ‘cos I wanna see the old Mischief again but then I reckons thissiz the moment to get in good wiv the troobadoors.

So I hikes it inna Sophia an’ slopes round the back door ov the Opra ‘Ouse where there’z a loada muzishuns playin’ inna pit. Wunce they’z dun wiv practssin this old gent wivva white stick puts me frew me paces – first he hears me singin’ (I givs ‘im that song I learnt in Godsport bout Trolls an’ Dragons) an’ then he haz me playin’ all sorts of fings, a fing called a ‘loot’ anna big drum but I fink he’s made up wiv me penny whistl. Then he sez I’z in Euterpe. He sez I gets free trainin’ in Singin’ an’ that loot an’ me penny whistl anna drums iz ‘alf-price, togevver wiv Dex trainin’. He sez there’z all sorts ov cheap spells too but I’z gotta be shaw to pray to Euterpe whenever I sings or plays any instrument. He reckons if I gets good I cood make a career ovvit an’ I mite just do that.

Back at Vicente Lodge, Eliza’z made up that the water’s risin’ inna well – it’z still the clearest water I’z ever seen in eny well an’ now we’z got more ovvit. But Lady Samal dunt seem that ‘appy wivvit, mumblin’ sumfink bout bad dreams. Mebbe she shood get a Selnite minster like wot her ole Uncle Tar did – corss it dint do ‘im no good an’ you can’t trust them Moonies ‘cos they’z always lyin’ all the time, know what I mean? Worse than Troof cultists.

We ain’t seen much of Stella in Earthseason ‘cos she’z bin doin’ them studies wiv all them alkemysts but she starts payin’ us visits an’ rite at the end of Earthseason she an’ Lady Samal azza long tatertate but I dunt know wot about – seemz pretty serious wotevver it iz ‘cos it’z distractin’ Lady Samal from managin’ her state. But inna villaj they’z all talkin’ bout how she’z sunk a load ov cash in the state ‘cos she wonts to ‘av more farms an’ beehives an’ stuff.

Then Sieur Alphonse an’ Sieur Thomas cum back wiv bags ov wheels from they’z states an’ we’z back to normal – but the well’s still a bit full, like.

Fireday, Deathweek, Darkseason, 612

So Lady Samal checks her diary ova brekfust an’ sez it’z time to go visit Boldomir again. I dunt know how far she’z got wiv that roony writin’. To be honest I finks we’d all be a lot better off if she took up nittin’ ‘cos all this readin’ dunt seem to be makin’ her ‘appy – an’ we all know wot ‘appened to ole Uncle Tar – that melon-coley runs inna famly, like. But it ain’t up to me annit sertinly ain’t me place to say nuffink, know what I mean? So I ‘elps Pascal hitch up the chariots.

I asks Lady Samal if she’z wantin’ the cart an’ she mumbles sumfink bout getting’ a carrij but ‘parrently them’z cost fouzands and she ain’t got the dosh rite now. Cors, wiv Sieur Alphonse an’ Sieur Thomas in they’z chariots an’ Eliza an’ Lady Samal on ‘orses, that leevs me walkin.

I dunt mind this but the toffs fink I’ll show ‘em up or hold ‘em back or sumfink ‘cos Sieur Thomas whispers sumfink to Sieur Alphonse an’ then Sieur Alphonse tellz me Sieur Thomas will grayshusly let me ride in hiz chariot. Wow! Akterly that’z reel nice ovvim. Corss there ain’t much for me to do but I stands there wiv me crossbow like wun day I might akterly hit sumfink wivvit. We dunt get ambushed – but then we’z there by lunch.

But just az we gets Breznik in site sum geezer rides up an stops like he’z glad to see us – An’ why not? Lady Samal’s a reel nice lady an’ Sieur Alphonse izza dashin’ gent anna cool dude an’ Sieur Thomas izza… Well Sieur Thomas izza bit ovva git but the uvver two are ded nice.

Enyhow, the geezer sez he’z Nick Culpepper an’ he’z the pothcary in Breznik. He asks if we’z the peepl wot visited in Earthseason an’ sez he was sent to fetch us. (I means the toffs, ov cors, I dunt fink he woz lookin’ for a were-rat.)

Turns out they’z all worritin’ bout Boldomir in Breznik ‘cos he’z bin actin’ funny – I means more funny. He’z sacked all hiz servants an’ he’z not bin seen inna villaj for days. Nick asks Lady Samal iffen she’ll talk wiv Rosaria, wot woz Boldomir’s ‘ousekeeper. Lady Samal iz ded grave an’ sez she’ll talk to the servants.

So Nick takes us inna Breznik an’ stops outside this row of shops. There’z hiz pothcary shop anna cloff shop eyver side ov anuvver stor wot sells bout evryfing else. They’z all got namez writ over but I can’t read ‘em.

I can ‘ear a woman wailin – Nick takes us inna stor an’ we finds this old biddy I remembers from our visit to Boldomir’s place. She’s sobbin’ her ‘eart out an’ makin’ the shopkeeper’s sholder all damp.

The shopkeeper sez he’z called Ronnie. He sez Boldomir’s never bin mean before an’ bein’ sacked ‘az reely upset Rosaria so Lady Samal azza chat wiv her so Ronnie can dry off a bit.

Rosaria dunt know wots got into her master. She knows he’z always bin keen on his studyin’ – ‘wun track mind’ she sez – but since we woz last ‘ere he’z bin reel short inna temper, wot ain’t like him. He fired sum servants an’ she reckoned he wontid to save they’z wages to pay sum more guards but he coodn find nun.

He got to be reel nasty to them servants wot woz left, getting’ ‘em up at all hours ovva nite to get him vittles’ an’ stuff. Then wun nite a maid called Amanda took a bit ov time getting’ him a drink, so he reckoned, on account ov havin’ to get out of bed an’ put sum togs on. He only went an’ belted her wun! An’ then he sacked her an’ then he sacked the lot ovvem. There’s only hiz butler up there now – wot must be doin’ all the cookin’ an’ cleanin’ hizzelf. Him an’ the guards, ov corss.

Rosaria’s beside herself, ‘Wot’s gonna ‘appen to the state?’ Enywun wood fink it woz her state. She sez she’z worked for him for 30 years an’ she ain’t never seen him like this.

Lady Samal asks bout hiz work. Rosaria sez he’z been studyin’ the statyoo from the Orcshun an’ he sed he’d worked out it wood do sumfink wiv anuvver fing from hiz clekshun. Lady Samal asks wot fing an’ Rosaria finks it woz a china bowl anna majik book.

Then Lady Samal asks if there’s bin enyfing weerd ‘appening wiv water, or mebbe peepl dreamin’ ov drownin’? Turns out 2 lads went down the pond wivva case of Puttuck ‘Eadbanger (sounds like Lady Samal may be onna winner if she can sell that around) an’ they sed a big water elmental made the pond jump up an’ scare ‘em but when they ran off it went back to normal. Corss, sum peepl fink it woz just the cider makin’ ‘em see fings wot ain’t there.

Lady Samal sez we must pay a visit – well, it’z wot we’z ‘ere for, innit? So Rosaria givs her a key so she can get in – wot we’ll be needin’ ‘cos there’s no servants to open the doors. Lady Samal asks how many guards an’ Rosaria reckons five – Boldomir wonts more but he’s bin ded unlucky an’ Ronnie sez they ain’t seen no new guards inna villaj.