The Diary of Raoul Grincheux

Part 56

In which Regal’s team is trained in Shadowlands survival…

Waterday, Harmonyweek, Earthseason, 614

Over breakfast, Regal tellz me hiz Dwarf spirit iz called Basalt Scargill – so now I knows.

After breakfast, we sets off again. The road’s turnin’ norfwest but Grigori takes us off the road, anglin’ away an’ we’z in the wilds, rite?

Soon I feels lucky to ‘av me quilts ‘cos it’z gettin’ rite parky – nyever Eliza or Stella saw this cummin’, I means it woz still Fireseason just ova a week ago, but as we plods on we sees a big, black cloud ahed an’ it just keeps gettin’ colder an’ colder. Regal reckons it’z gonna rain but Eliza just shakes her hed an’ then it starts snowin! Regal finks the Troll shaman may ‘av a wevver spirit az her fetch. Blimey! So duz she liv in a blizzard all the time? Cors, she’z a Troll so she probly dunt mind.

When we stops for lunch, Grigori starts askin’ wot lingos we all speak ‘cos his mum only speaks Trollish an’ a bit ov Loonytic. Most ov the uvvers can speak it – nowun asks me but I can just about get by, like Eliza. Let’s just ‘ope she dunt use no long words, know wot I mean?

After lunch we’z walkin’ frew wild grassland but that cloud keeps gettin’ closer. It looks like it’z rite ova a hill. Close up, the top ov the hill iz all nobbly an’ sumwun sez it’z an old hillfort. Regal finks he can see sumwun movin’ up there. Grigori sez hiz mum’s camped on the far side but she put her Trolls up there to keep wotch.

We gets up the hill an’ findz evryfing’s a rooin but it must ‘av bin strong wunce. It’z got three rings ov banks an’ ditches. Grigori sez there’z a forest on the west, like. He shouts to the gard Trolls an’ leads us in.

All these Trolls iz remindin’ me ov Gertrude – I wunder how she’z doin’ now?

In the middl ov the old fort there’z a coral on the far side wiv a bunch ov big insects, wot Trolls like. Then Stella’s horse rears up an’ gets ded skittish so Stella slides off an’ leads it on foot – dunt blame yer, luv!

I sees sum bump in the ground – I seen fings like this before – old bildins, all grown ova, four ov ‘em. The trolls see us all shivrin in the cold an’ giv us furs to keep warm. Merde! I’z never bin so ‘appy to wrap meself in a ded bear’s skin.

We came in the soufeast gap, Grigori leads us out anuvver on the west side an’ down inter the woods. The trees iz reel close an’ fick. Sum ov the uvvers reckon Trolls iz dug in eyver side ov the path but I dunt see nun. Then we gets to a clearin’ an’ I sees big Troll tracks in the snow. I’z got me ratty hed on but me nose dunt tell me no more – ‘cos it’z so cold – but I can ‘ear Trolls movin’ around us.

I points out the tracks to Hassan an’ he asks if they’z Great Trolls – they’z aint but I reckon they’z mostly Dark Troll tracks wiv a few Trollkin. The only uvver time I’z seen this many Trolls up close iz when we fort Gertrude’s mum an’ dad an’ then that woz wun Dark Troll (mum) an’ wun Great Troll (dad) an’ lots ov Trollkin.

In the middl ov the clearin’ iz a big tent wiv two gards – Dark Trolls but big wiv it – wun’z wearin’ bronz but the uvver iz wearin’ lead – Lumme, a roonlord! The wun in bronz haz a Def roon, wot must mean he’s a Zorak-Zorani. Merde! They dunt look at us an’ hardly looks at Grigori but wun pulls open the tent flap an’ Grigori leads us in.

While I’z waitin’ me turn to go in, I sees a Great Troll slouched the uvver side ov the clearin’, wotchin’ us. Blimey! An’ I fort these Dark Trolls woz big…

Inside, Grigori bows ded low an’ sez, “Lady Muvver, I’z brung you’z guests.” There’s a biggish Troll an’ lumme I dunt know where to look ‘cos she’z got three sets ov bubbies an’ it looks like she’z wearin’ reel nice cloves ment to show ‘em off!

But she an’ her bubbies iz reel… I dunno… like she’z loomin’ ova me even tho the’z sittin’ down, know wot I mean? I bows – we all bows reel low, like. So this iz a Mistress!!!

She sez, “I welcums you an’ offer the ‘ospitlty ov me tent.” She tellz us to sit down – I duz az I’z told!

It’z ded warm in ‘ere – there’s a big fire wiv a pot ov sumfink smellin’ yummy cookin’. I’z alreddy swettin’ so I drags me fur off an’ sits on it’. There’z sumwun else off in a corner but it’z ded dark an’ he’z all in black wiv sumfink ova hiz face.

The Mistress sez she’z Lady Xzaxza an’ she points out the uvver bloke an’ sez he’z Oleg. She sez hiz hexperteez will cum in ded useful. Then Regal introduces hizzelf an’ Redwing – he sez Redwing’s great-great-grandad haz bin kidnappd (wot I dint know befor).

Then we all givz our names. I sez I’z a King Rat Ratlord called Raoul an’ I likes Trolls an’ haz she ever herd ov Gertrude? Lady Xzaxza sez ‘no’ an’ tellz me to tellz her Gertrude’s story, wot I know ov it, like, an’ that she’s the grandorter ov sumwun ded portant in the Trolllands – lumme, Lady Xzaxza sits frew it an’ fanks me for tellin’ her. Cors, Gertrude’s probly got a Troll name wot all the Trolls know her az but I dunt now that. Shame, reely.

She givs us bowls ov the grub she’z bin cookin’ an’ it’z hot an’ spicy – just wot yer need in wevver like this. The uvvers chat ova dinner – nuffink portant – I keeps me mowf shut, cept when I’z shuvlin the grub.

But when we’z all dun an’ the bowls iz givn to a Trollkin for washin’, Lady Xzaxza sez to Regal, “We must discuss matters ov import.”

Regal tellz Redwing’s story – turns out Redwing tried to talk to hiz great-great-grandad, Thundercloud, but coodn’t get him to turn up, wot’s ded odd if you’z a shaman, so he asked Regal to ‘elp. Regal calld up Thundercloud’s missus, Goldenfevver but she sed Thundercloud had gon missin’ – he went off huntin’ in the spirit world wun day an’ just never cum back.

So then Regal duz a Divnayshun an’ saw Thundercloud lookin’ lost in a weerd part ov the spirit world – not the Huntin’ Grownds, like, just a lot ov boilin’ mists, when a portl turned up, sudden like. Regal cood see frew the portal that it woz all, dark, misty an’ ded an’ barren.

Then a Mistress Troll stepped frew wearin’ a tiara an’ carryin’ a box cuvverd in joolz. She tuchd her tiara an’ wun ov the joolz on the box glowed an’ Thundercloud seemd to get possessed or sumfink ‘cos he went frew the portal like he woz sleepwalkin’ – an’ then him an’ the Mistress Troll an’ the portal went away!

Regal reckons the box lookd meknical, like wot sumfink the Dwarves make. Regal finks Thundercloud had alreddy been pulled from the Huntin’ Grownds but the portal went sumwhere else not in the spirit world.

Then Lady Xzaxza tellz the same story only it wuz wun ov her ansesters wot’s gon missin’. She did a Divnayshun an’ saw just wot Regal saw.

Regal sez he sees how a Troll cood grab anuvver Troll but he dun’t reckon a Troll cood ‘av grabbed an Eagle barbrian, like – an’ he’z got a point.

Hassan asks wot we can do? Regal an’ Lady Xzaxza finks the portal went to the Shadowlands – I’z never herd ov that. Oleg speaks up for the first time, “From wot the Lady haz sed the person wiv the sparkly box…” (that’s wot he callz it, a sparkly box) “…iz opraytin’ from the Shadowlands.”

I asks, “Wot’s the Shadowlands?” Oleg sez it’z “a mirror ov the World in deslayshun” – so that’s me told but it dunt mean much scept it sounds ded ruff, know wot I mean?

Hassan asks wot ‘appens if we get killd there? An’ I reckons this cood be reel portant seein’ az me an’ Silke had to ask King Rat to save me twice in the last few weeks. Oleg tellz us he’s spent a lot ov time in the Shadowlands. He reckons it aint safe but it aint az daynjrus if you knowz wot you’z doin’.

I’z just finkin’, Merde! We’z no idea wot to do there so we’z all buggered, know wot I mean? But then Oleg sez he can take us there an’ giv us in the basics. “Survival trainin’?” asks Hassan an’ Oleg nods.

Oleg dunt know where in the reel world the tiara Mistress mite be ‘cos he reckons she’s hid herself from Divnayshun. Lady Xzaxza coodn’t see who she woz in the Divnayshun eyver. Oleg sez the Trolllands iz ‘tens’ rite now wot iz how sumwun cood get away wiv sumfink like this.

Oleg tellz us that there’z sumwhere in the Shadowlands where we cood get more info. “I’z aware there’z a number ov Trollz wot visit the Shadowlands an’ I’z a roonlord-preest ov Tenzhak-Vor”, (that’s wot Trolls call Shadowjack).

Oleg sez he’ll take us to the Shadowlands on the hilltop here. He can open a ‘door’ for fifteen minutes – so a roonmagic job, then – so we can make a kwik visit.

Regal asks if we’ll go frew wiv all our stuff – ‘yes’ sez Oleg. The Regal asks Lady Xzaxza if spirits can go frew – she rite away sez she ain’t goin’ but she reckons spirits can.

Lady Xzaxza sez sorry for the wevver, wot’s ‘cos of her fetch.

Eliza asks wot ‘appens if you cast Light in the Shadowlands – “You gets light” sez Oleg. Then she asks bout the wevver – Oleg sez there ain’t no reel wevver, just mist.

Then I asks if there’z fings needin’ fitin’ – ‘yes’. “Wot sort ov fings?” “All sorts”. Wot sounds like Oleg’s bein’ a bit cagey so I reckon they’z pretty nasty – I’z not an ‘appy rat.

Eliza asks if there’z enyfing valooabbl there? Not reely but Oleg reminds us the Mistress we’z lookin’ for haz that tiara an’ that jooled box.

Regal reckons we shood leev the ‘orses an’ Oleg nods an’ sez ‘no livestock’.

So Oleg asks if we’z reddy. Hassan seems keen – I’z not but I keeps me mowf shut. Oleg takes us back up the hill so we wraps up in our furs again. In the middl ov the fort he makes this majik portl – I can see frew it an’ it’z lookin’ pretty bleak, all grey an’ ded wiv dark mists. Oleg goes frew, then Hassan (wot seems reel keen) an’ then me (not reely keen but I wonts to stay close to Oleg if he knows wot’s wot – I draws me sword an’ dagger, just in case) an’ the uvvers after me but I’z too bizzy lookin’ round an’ sniffin’ to see who’s next. Hassan’s makin’ a reel clatter but I’z tryin’ to be az kwyit az possibbl.

First off, it’z ded misty – a dark mist that hides evryfing more’an about twenny yards off. Evryfing iz grey. There’z no reel lite but you can still make out fings – From wot I can see it kinda looks like the hill – it’z the same place, know wot I mean? (Tho you’z probly dunt unless you’z bin there.) I can see the ‘umps ov the old bildins an’ the stones ov the rooind walls – weerdly, the rooins aint kwite az wrecked az they iz in the reel world – I means they’z still rooins but there’z more to ‘em, more stones, like. It aint eyver hot or cold.

Then I looks round an’ jumps when I sees we’z a crowd – I fort it woz just me, Regal, Hassan, Eliza, Blen an’ Stella wiv Oleg, but there’z dubbl that, eazy! Then I recognises ‘em az Regal’s spirits wot look almost alive – I can still see frew ‘em but I’d ‘av to look close, like. Then I spots wun I’z not seen before – a Gibbon wiv a greatsword! – when Regal calls him ‘Doodoo’ I realise it’z hiz fetch.

All this time I’z bin sniffin’ but I dunt smell nuffink an’ Stella an’ Eliza sez they’z can’t sense eny wevver an’ the sez the mist ain’t damp, like it iz in the reel World. Oleg sez the mist iz just shadow. We can breev the air but there aint no wind. Oleg sez probly no Elmentals scept Air an’ Shadow cood be summond ‘ere. He sez we aint walkin’ on Urf, eyver.

Oleg reckons doin’ Divints to Moon, Sun or Chaos won’t work but he finks most uvver shood. He sez the Shadowlands haz a close prokximayshun to the Spirit Plane. Well mebbe! King Rat iz a Spirit cult but this dunt feel much like spirit to me.

Regal finds he can see a lot furver usin’ his shaman spiritsite, bout three timez az far – he can see all the mounds an’ rooind walls an’ even the nearest bank. Oleg’s got the Spiritsite spell an’ casts it on each ov us, wun at a time, so we can see for usselvs.

Eliza asks if he can cast hiz portl spell from this side an’ Oleg sez ‘yes’. He sez he’ll keep getting’ this spell back an’ cast it each day but he’z got anuvver az backup for merjensees – it’z good to know we aint gonna get trapped ‘ere (az long az we can keep Oleg alive).

Oleg duz sum lecturin’ – “Wot we sees ‘ere iz not the same az the reel World. Wot you sees in the Shadowlands may not be wot you see outside – Time iz a little fleksibl ‘ere!” Oleg reckons you can get a gander at uvver timelines tho he dunt know Time Lore (but Regal ups an’ sez he knows a little!) It’z like our World only rooind but, az Eliza sez, different bits iz more rooind than uvvers an Oleg reckons that “sumtimez the landscape iz affected by the vewer”.

After we’ve all had a gander wiv Spiritsite, Oleg sez we’z had bout firteen minits an’ it’z time to go back – I’z reel ‘appy to be back in the reel World, even if me teef’s chatterin’ from the cold. Oleg sez he’z spent sum time in the Shadowlands – rarver him than me.

The Trolls giv us a big tent an’ tellz us to set up on the uvver side from Lady Xzaxza ‘cos the hill will giv us sum shelter from her fetch an’ itz blizzard. Eliza cooks dinner an’ Oleg eats wiv us. He sez he’ll take us back in the Shadowlands for trainin’ ova the next few dayz.

Regal sez hiz spirits will cum wiv us. Before we beds down, I asks Regal if hiz Beaver spirit knows a spirit called Robbie Murdee? But he dun’t know ‘im. Pity, I’d like to know ‘ow he’z gettin’ on.

Clayday, Harmonyweek, Earthseason, 614

So Oleg starts the trainin’. The blizzard haz stopped but it’z still ded cold. Oleg spends most the day teachin’ us bout the Shadowlands an’ then takes us frew his portl for fifteen minits each day. Today he opens it by the west gate – in the Shadowlands we can see it woz a proper gate with a lot more stone than the reel World.

We can see out ova the forest but the treez all looks ded. Oleg sez we can lite fires in the Shadowlands but we gotta bring our own wood ‘cos theez trees won’t burn, “It aint’ wood”. He sez most the kritters iz made ov shadow-stuff. He did a twenny-four hour stint wunce, “It’z difcult but doable”. He sez we gotta bring our own food an’ water an’ we shoodn’t sleep ‘ere.

Gettin’ back to them uvver timelines, he finks it’z possibl we cood see fings in the future! “Fings not bilt yet!”

Windsday, Harmonyweek, Earthseason, 614

Anuvver look round on a difrent bit ov the fort. Regal asks for a vlonteer for an experiment an’ Hassan puts up hiz ‘and. Regal sez he’z castin’ Spiritcloak on Hassan – we can’t see no difrens but Regal’s spirits all say Hassan looks smaller an’ he cood be all hidden wiv enuff Spiritcloak.

Fireday, Harmonyweek, Earthseason, 614

The snow starts meltin’ but it’z still only just abuv freezin’. This time Oleg takes us into the woods on the west side ov the hill. He’z rite – close up, they dunt look like they’z made ov wood – it’z harder an’ a bit crumbly, sorta like bad slate, know wot I mean?

When he’z leadin’ us in the Shadowlands, Oleg wears a lead chain horberk an’ an open helm an’ hiz weppons iz a mace an’ a maul. He takes us on a march frew the woods this time, Oleg an’ Regal at the frunt, then Hassan an’ Stella wiv me an’ Eliza bringin’ up the back. Regal spots sumfink furver off than eny ov us can see, on account of hiz bein’ a shaman. I’z got me ratty hed on. I glances back an’ see sumfink movin’ behind us so I shouts a warnin’ an’ draws me sword an’ dagger.

Sudden-like, the trees we’z passin’ attack us, spittin’ black dust in our faces! Regal an’ Eliza manaj to block it wiv they’z sheelds but the rest ov us get it rite in the eyez! Stella an’ Oleg bofe scream that they’z blinded but even tho I’z ded surprized, I blink me eyes clear an’ can still see. (Akterly, I fink they dint get me good ‘cos I woz bizzy lookin’ the uvver way.) Hassan gets hit but he can still see too.

Now I’z lookin’ rite at ‘em, they’z sort ov tree like – shriveld thorny bushes wiv thorns a foot long all over. Regal gets missed but Stella can’t see a fing an’ gets grappld! She triez’ to fend it off wiv her shortsword. Eliza can see but gets grappld too – she’z tryin’ to stab hers wiv her spear, holdin’ it just behind the point.

I got wun cummin’ rite at me so I fend mine off wiv me dagger, knickin’ it’s chest, an’ casts Ironhand while Silke casts Shimmer on me. Hassan parries wiv hiz gratesword an’ hacks a branch off and then he hits hiz in a leg.

Regal’s Gibbon fetch givs Hassan Protection while Regal parries a graplin’ bush an’ hits it in the chest – it starts writhin’ round like it’z hurt reel bad.

Stella gets hit by three ov them thorns – wun gets through her armour an’ stabs her leg sumfink crool – an’ then she screams it’z suckin’ her blud! Merde! She tries to fite back but can’t get her shortsword to hit.

Eliza’s fing hits her wiv two thorns – her armour saves her but she can’t get her spear to bite. I knick mine in the guts wiv me dagger, fendin’ off itz grappl but I misses wiv me bite – why’z we all missin’?

But then Hassan wacks hiz an’ hiz gratesword cuts it in ‘alf!

Oleg iz hit by thorns; his armour’s tuff but wun thorn gets frew, but then Regal’s fetch attacks Oleg’s bush an’ sucks itz Power.

Regal turns to ‘elp Stella an’ tellz Florence to Heal Oleg. Regal spears Stella’s bush in the guts but it’z still hangin’ on to Stella an’ she loses more blud. Stella’s still blind but she sticks it in a leg but not enuff to finish it. But then Regal kicks it to def!

Eliza’s armour keeps the thorns out – she spears hers in the guts but it’z still goin’. I parry mine an’ bite it in the hed. Hassan hacks a branch off Oleg’s bush an’ Oleg wacks it wiv hiz mace. Doodoo, the Gibbon fetch, drains sum more Power.

The bushes brake an’ run for it but Eliza stabs hers in the guts an’ Stella hits it in the head – it’z ded! I bite an’ stab mine in the back an’ it’z ded too!

Merde! That woz rite nasty, but we won! Oleg sez they’z woz Thornghouls – they’z bad but not the most daynjrus fings we cood meet. I ask, ‘really?’ He sez, “By far!”

Putain! I’z not an ‘appy rat!

Hassan casts a spell an’ sez they’z unded – wot’s weerd ‘cos they dint taste unded – tho I woodn’t ‘av bin bitin’ ‘em if I’d known – I fort they woz sort of Shadowlands Elvs.

The fite took bout ten minits so we ‘av to get back frew the portl sharpish. Oleg finks we shood train sum more but we won’t go in the Shadowlands tomorrer ‘cos he an’ Stella haz gotta rest an’ get sum blud back.